Children in the Closet....Chapter 25

Chapter 25

I had been doing some serious thinking since the house burned - thinking about my life and my children and Jesse. Mostly I thought about Jesse. We had just been through a traumatic ordeal and yet we gained very little comfort from each other and offered even less to our children. I was nearly 35 years old and had already been married 20 years. I kept waiting for us to be happy together but that didn’t look like it was ever going to happen. I continued to struggle with Jesse’s bitterness towards me and anger towards both Summer and Jesse, Jr. For the second time, I was seriously considering divorce.

It was on Friday, September 23, 1983, one day before my birthday when Jesse and I flew into Logan Airport, rented a car and drove to the Colonial Travelers Inn just outside Boston in Saugus, Massachusetts. We often took a trip somewhere – just the two of us – around my birthday. We had been to California and the West coast quite a few times but this was our first trip up to New England.

The next morning Jesse went in search of coffee and donuts and came back with ‘regular’ coffees! I drink my coffee with cream and he drinks his black. Regular coffee up there means coffee comes with sugar and cream already in it. While this should have made us laugh – it didn’t. The mood was set for the day. Jesse was critical and negative and I was withdrawn and quiet.

We drove in silence nearly all the way to Cape Cod where we planned to spend a few days. No chatting about things. We didn’t do that. It’s hard to describe the tension between us but it was nearly always there and seemed to grow worse every year.

We located our motel and checked in, went out to an early dinner having skipped lunch on the drive and then walked a little while on the beach before doing back to our room. He went to bed and fell asleep right away while I stayed up reading the Scofield Bible I had brought with me. I found comfort in the scriptures and was looking for guidance as to what I was about to do.

I was weary of living a life filled with more and more coping skills and less joy as time passed. I had been suicidal, anorexic, severely depressed, abused both prescription and OTC drugs as well as alcohol and frankly, I was worn out. As hard as I tried and as hard as my children tried, we could never please Jesse. There were a few times we would be relaxed and having a good time together before it invariably turned ugly with no warning. He no longer hit the kids – they were too old for that now. He had hit me only once early on in the marriage. But the terrible mental cruelty was so awful. We never knew what would set him off and our best defense was to avoid him as much as possible.

That night there on Cape Cod was a time when I really looked at our life the way it was instead of the way it looked on the outside. He was a deacon and gave nearly 50% of his income to the church. He had a bus route and taught Sunday School classes. People came to him for advice. What was amazing is that he was so kind and caring and giving to others, but never treated us that way at all. No matter how good we were - and we were very good, nothing changed in the way he acted when it was just us. A few times the cracks would show but no one seemed to notice even when it was painfully obvious!

I decided to write Jesse a letter and leave it for him to find the next morning. On it I described the way I felt, my hopelessness and despair of ever having a happy marriage. I went into detail about all my self-destructive behaviors and that if I were to survive, it would have to be without him. The kids were now old enough now, Summer was 20 and Jesse Jr. was 17, that I figured we would find some way to manage.  I was done with all the ugliness and awfulness of life with him and now I wanted to live life like a normal person. I wanted a divorce.

I marvel even now at my bravery and utter stupidity. I left the letter on top of my Bible, took a key to lock the door behind me and spent the rest of the night walking on the beach. When I came back to the motel, I noticed there were some lounge chairs out on the deck and I finally fell asleep in one. I had not taken my purse, cash or credit cards with me. 

Jesse found me the next morning still out in the courtyard on the chaise lounge. He was crying and seemed extremely remorseful and contrite.  This was the very first time I had openly said I wanted a divorce. I was already exhausted in every way possible and I do believe he was, too. We sat out there in the courtyard and talked for hours before going back inside the hotel room. We both took good long naps and then talked some more. That was likely the most we had ever talked to each other before or since. 

I agreed to give our marriage another chance. For the remainder of our September trip, Jesse could not have been a better husband. He was attentive and kind and we had such a good time touring New England together. We traveled up to Vermont and Maine and into New Hampshire seeing all the historical sites and the colorful fall foliage.

After spending one last day in Boston, we flew home. I didn’t tell the kids about my asking their dad to leave but I did pay attention to the way he treated them. He now seemed softer, kinder and not as angry. He was acting at home the way he usually acted when we were all on vacation together so I slowly relaxed a little more over the next few weeks. We all relaxed including Jesse Jr and Summer.

Slowly we started picking up the threads of our life together. While I did not return to the bus ministry, I did join the adult Sunday School class. We resumed our Sunday night entertaining after church. Summer was still working and living at home and Jr was in his sophomore year in high school.

Jesse didn’t blow up and yell at us like he used to and we began to lower our guard. 

By Christmas we started charting my ovulation calendar again in hopes of getting pregnant and by early spring, my gynecologist had prescribed a 6-month treatment plan of Clomid, a fertility drug. That summer we went back to Colorado on a family vacation with Jr. Summer was working and couldn’t get off then so just the three of us went and had a wonderful time! Life was looking pretty good.

My mother had met a man named Bill and decided to marry him in early September with a honeymoon in San Francisco. Jesse and I had been there often so we decided to fly out and join them for a few days and then they would fly back home while we went on up to Yosemite National Park.

That was a great idea and we had such a good time riding the cable cars and driving Mother and Bill around. September is normally one of the warmest months in that area and the year of 1984 they were hitting all-time record temperatures of 100 degrees! It was HOT.

As soon as we dropped them off at the airport a week after we arrived, we headed up the coast to Mendocino and a beautiful inn right by the ocean. The drive up the Pacific Coast Highway was gorgeous and we spent the entire day driving and stopping to admire the views and driving some more.

Our inn featured charming cottages and you could hear the music of the ocean waves as we settled into our room. The bed was an old fashioned high four poster and was layered in the fluffiest bed linens – from high count sheets to comfy covers and soft pillows – it was amazing.

Each cottage had a different decorating theme and ours was cozy Victorian. AND there was a pretty tray on the coffee table with a complimentary bottle of local red wine, two stemmed wineglasses and a bowl of fruit plus a small platter of cheeses.

We freshened up before going out to dinner at one of the romantic little restaurants in the area. That entire day and night was like a beautiful dream. The cottage. Dinner. Conversation. Wine. I felt like I was in a movie! We took a walk on the beach after we returned from dinner and I loved hearing the horses as they trotted on the cobblestone path from the stables at the back of the property. We thought about renting a couple and riding on the beach but we were actually too tired after the long drive. It was enough to hear them coming up from the stables and we woke up to the sound again as guests were going out for morning rides.

I was relaxed and happy and thankful that life – which had been so very stressful and painful just a year ago – was now so beautiful. It felt good to be in love again and to feel loved by Jesse.

Not one single thing marred our entire trip! We traveled on a day or two later from Mendocino to Lake Shasta where we had reservations for a cabin. This place offered boat rentals and all manner of water activities so within an hour of arriving, we were out on the lake driving a speed boat and having a ball! I don’t swim but I did wear a life jacket and we stopped so I could jump into the water. I was laughing and having such a good time. Jesse helped pull me up out of the water and I posed standing on the front of the boat while he took my picture. I was 36 years old and the happiest I had ever been in my entire life.

While we were heading back to San Francisco to spend our last few days of this two-week vacation, we called Summer to check in on her and Jesse, Jr.  Jesse suggested she try to get a few days off of work and she could fly up and join us. We’d talked about wanting to go up to Yosemite and that’s somewhere Summer had always wanted to visit. The very fact that Jesse was the one to suggest it increased my joy and happiness. This was something a loving father would do.

Summer worked it out with her office and a friend offered to take her to the airport. Jesse had already called his travel agent so all systems were go! Summer’s friend, Jimmy, went over to the house and waited for her to pack and then took her to DFW. She was on her way!!

Jesse found a hotel for the three of us near the airport and then we started studying our AAA Guidebooks on California and Yosemite. The lodges were all fully booked but we found a tent cabin accommodation that would work just fine. The tents were all set up and they furnished the bedding as well as towels and such. We were so excited! 

As soon as Summer arrived that night, we headed to Fisherman’s Wharf and had dinner. Jesse seemed to really enjoy being the loving father and showing his daughter around. There was no tension or stress and not one single thing marred our happiness on this trip.

We were up early the next morning, dressed and went down to the continental breakfast before checking out and getting on the road. It was a fun trip up. It was about a 4-hour drive but we made it in 8 by the time we stopped at first one place and then another. We arrived in time for the cafeteria style dinner – but just barely.

I didn’t normally drink in front of Jesse but since we’d had wine in Mendocino, I had a glass at dinner that first night and was comforted by the fact that he didn’t judge me or say anything about it.

Usually, he was quite outspoken against anyone anywhere consuming any alcohol. This was just one more sign that things had changed in our relationship and for the better.

All guests of the tent cabins were advised to keep toiletries – including toothpaste – in our car trunks so as not to encourage bears. This really got Summer’s attention and her dad had a lot of fun teasing her.

We enjoyed the next two days there in Yosemite before driving back down to San Francisco where we took Summer to China Town, ride the cable cars, and shop at Cost Plus. We’d asked Summer to bring an extra suitcase so we could buy some things! Jesse was one of the few men that truly loved shopping. He enjoyed it much more than I did but we all had fun together.

We returned home and life continued to be wonderful. I went on a bike ride through the neighborhood one afternoon in early October and prayed as I cycled, thanking God for all of His blessings. I remember going to the movies all by myself the next day to see Places in the Heart with Sally Fields. I was late in my menstrual cycle but I was having cramps so I assumed I would be starting my period soon. Another week passed and I decided to take one of the over-the-counter pregnancy tests and it was positive! I could hardly believe it. Since I had been charting my temps and ovulation times, I discovered the magic moment of conception had been the night we stayed at the cabin in Mendocino, California. Finally, I was pregnant! It could have been the fertility medicine or it may have been that I was completely relaxed and happy. Jesse and I were both thrilled about having a baby!