Children in the Closet ....Chapter 31....

              Chapter 31

                Three days alone were enough for me and I was happy to have Amber and Benjamin back home! We resumed our homeschooling, piano lessons, synchronized swimming, Tae Kwon Do and weekly horse lessons. Amber often taught my Sunday School class and the kids loved her.

               My life was full, however, the New Year brought a diagnosis of breast cancer to my dear friend and sister homeschool teacher, Melba. She was raising her granddaughter, Kendra, who was the same age of Amber. We took Melba to her appointments and was in the waiting room praying for her when she had her surgery. Throughout 1999 we were with her during her chemo treatments and, instead of it being depressing, we all laughed and talked in the lab and joked about things and generally had a good time.

Amber had her first National swim meet in early February and we flew into Dulles airport and rented a van for me to drive with the eight swimmers on board while my friend, Martha, rented a car to transport the coaches.

               Once we got all our luggage, the girls were hungry and I set out to find a place to eat. Washington D C can be scary. We were close to the White House and yet, just a couple of blocks away it was ghetto! I found a Wendy’s but Coach Megan didn’t think the area was safe enough for 8 girls. Finally, we spied a kiosk selling hot dogs and pretzels! The van had sliding doors on both sides and when I parked at the curb – 8 girls dressed in their PTX sweats and red parkas swarmed out!

               I loved being Team Mom and buying all the girls’ favorite foods, getting them to the pool on time, and cheering them on!

               As team mom, I would figure out the per diam for each day for food, lodging, car rental, fuel, etc. plus I made the airline reservations so we would all travel together. I divided it between the girls and would buy groceries for the week and feed them sandwiches, fruit and snacks at the pool and breakfast and dinner. I would get them all settled in the rooms where they could land drill and I went off to the grocery store. By the end of the meet, we would go to a nice restaurant and I would tell them they could order anything their hearts desire – because I was frugal there was always enough money left for one special meal.

               Once I had dropped the girls and coaches off at the airport, Amber and I would stay another couple of days on our own. Martha, and her daughter did the same thing and we were to meet up at a European style hotel in downtown Washington, DC.

               I am amazed that I was able to find places as this was before all the direction apps we have now. I got lost more than once and at one point we stopped at a gas station to use the bathroom – and there were homeless people living in it!

               It took me three hours to find the hotel! By God’s good grace – I pulled right up in a parking space at the curb smack dab in front of the hotel! Amber and I staggered out of the car with sweatshirts hanging around our necks and was getting our bags out of the trunk when the doorman came out and took them from us! We made quite and entrance. I checked us in and we were taken up in an open caged European elevator. I was exhausted and called Martha, who had arrived a long time before we did, and told her we would not be able to go sight seeing with them the next day as it would take me all day just to get back to Dulles airport!

               Martha was a world traveler and she arranged for me to return my rental car at Regan airport later that evening and we had a really good time seeing lots of historical places the next day before flying home!

 

               Life stayed busy for us all winter with 4-H Club meetings, Camp El Har horse riding club, homeschooling and another local synchro meet. Mother stayed overnight to help me prepare for that as I had the ribbons to fill out and roses to prepare for the prizes plus, she helped with writing down the scores and assisting me with the ribbon ceremony and I was grateful for her help.

 

               We took a family ski trip in late February to Winter Park and that was a lot of fun. Jesse was a different person on vacation – most of the time. He was an excellent skier and taught Amber and Benjamin and they took right to it. I, on the other hand, skied slowly and in control.

               We had 3 great ski days and, in the evenings, we would go to a wonderful book store – Off the Beaten Path – which is still open 25+ years later. We ate and read books and relaxed with no stress or tension. Oh, how I wish it could be that way at home.

              

               These were some of the busiest days of my life. Our swim club, The Pirouettes of Texas, hosted a Zone Meet in March and, once again, Mother was right there helping. Amber had another meet out in California in late March and Jesse took Benjamin on a ski trip – just the two of them.

               The days and weeks flew past and all of a sudden it was Easter! We had a guest speaker, Gene Wolfenbarger, for our Easter Sunday service and he reminded me so much of Jesse, Jr. He started his message off by talking about how he was a mama’s boy and how much he loves his mama! Made me tear up and grieve over not having my son in my life. I hung on his every word and could not take my eyes off of him. It was like ‘seeing’ my son again. I listened so intently that after the service, Gene came up and told me what a good listener I was and how it had encouraged him during his sermon.

               At that time, he was a traveling evangelist and Jesse bought all of his books and tapes. I was grateful he did and I prayed for God to restore my relationship with Jr. Holidays were exceptionally hard for me during the time of estrangement but God is good and always provides people to minister to our hearts and give us hope.

 

               In May we received news that Sharon, our baby sister who had supposedly been kidnapped at six weeks old, had been searching for her birth mother and found her! She had been in communication with Mother and said she was living in Alabama. Plans were in the making for her to visit all of us.

               It was Friday, August 27^th when I met my baby sister for the first time in 41 years. She is married to a wonderful man named Jerry and they came over for dinner along with Mother and Aunt Irene.

               I prepared a company meal of pot roast, green bean casserole, cream cheese corn, salad, and a strawberry trifle for dessert along with gourmet coffees and herbal teas. Jesse was a perfect host and a great help to me. Amber and Benjmain played the piano for us and we showed them videos of Amber’s synchro solos. We sat around and talked and caught up on what all had happened through the years. It was a lovely visit and because it was, I was totally unprepared for what happened the next day.

               Mother had planned a family reunion for Shari – she prefers that to Sharon – on Saturday and, even though I had been estranged from my other siblings and had not been to Fort Worth in some time, I told Jesse I was going to be there for the dinner at 1:00. I had hoped to have his support since he had been so good about hosting them on Friday – but he wasn’t happy about and said I shouldn't go. He was angry but I went anyway.

               It was hard but I was glad I did. Summer and Jesse, Jr were both there and five of Mother’s six children. I felt some deep feelings of rejection and felt like I didn’t fit in and never would. I had no appetite at lunch and was quiet, not joining into much of the conversation.  Shari told us about her life and it was even worse than our childhood. She was gracious and loving towards Mother and all of us as well as Mother appeared happy to be reunited again. At that time, everyone believed that Shari had been abducted and taken to California. Her ‘keepers’ were not well mentally and she was abused and left homeless at a young age.

               It was a miracle only God could have done that she turned out to be such a fine lady. She was a RN and later a Nurse Educator.

               I did talk to Summer and Jesse, Jr. and assured them that I love them and that my life is never simple for me but intricate and complicated. I was so weary of all the emotional upheaval and drama and trauma. Life should not be that hard!

               I left about 4:00 to meet Jesse, Amber and Benjamin at Cheddar’s restaurant before they went to see Monty Roberts who is known as the Horse Whisperer. Jesse was furious when I told him Summer and Jesse, Jr. were there and he went into a real temper tantrum and threatened not to take the kids to see Monty Roberts. This time I fought back and insisted he keep his promise to them. They went on to the event and I went home, so upset and emotional that I felt sick.

               I changed shoes and went for a walk, praying and crying all the way. Showered and turned on the TV, set up the ironing board and ironed 13 of Jesse’s shirts before going to bed to read. I was asleep by the time they came home.

               The next morning, we all went to church like the normal family everyone thought we were. I was feeling fragile and Amber taught the full Sunday School class and was a wonderful teacher. I left the church as soon as the service was over and ate a salad and went to bed until late afternoon. I was totally exhausted mentally, physically and spiritually. When I woke up, the others had already gone to church and I went for a walk. Walking was good therapy for me but that night my mind was so troubled that it didn’t help me.

               Benjamin came home from church with a stomachache and Amber was not feeling well. The kids were more affected by all the stress and tension between Jesse and me than I realized. Jesse kept to himself in the den and we gathered in Benjamin’s room and read the Bible and a chapter from the Old Squire’s Farm by C.A. Stephens before we relaxed enough to go to bed.

               No matter what kind of complicated trauma and drama we have to deal with – life simply goes on. Jesse and I skirted around one another for a couple of days before we met for coffee together at IHOP. That’s what he likes to do – meet for coffee and talk. I dread it because light conversation can suddenly turn into painful, cruel and defeating words. ‘Talking’ was dangerous for me and seldom ever turned out well. Normal life should not be this hard.

               Apparently, Jesse had a change of heart and bought a card for Summer and one for Jr. Both were good cards and I was hopeful for the first time in a long time. That weekend we even rented a movie to watch and spent some time on Saturday going out to lunch and doing some shopping together as a family. Jesse and I went to the mall – one of his favorite places to go – and things seemed to be better between us.

               Sunday night he and I watched a movie together Message in a Bottle. I had let my guard down and relaxed some when the night turned ugly. Pleasant conversation turned heavy and I felt so defeated. I can't win for losing – time and time again. Life can be so weary.

 

               September 24^th, I turned 51 years oof age. It was a Friday and at 7:30 that morning Jesse and the kids greeted me with coffee and muffins in bed along with cards and gifts. I’d been married 36 years now and was still trying to survive and cope with life as I knew it. I found joy where I can and tried to avoid conflict when possible. It wasn't easy. I was determined to think of all the good things in my life and not the things that broke my heart.

 

               The holidays were much as they had been the year before. We hosted a large Pumpkin Party for Halloween and at Thanksgiving we received cards from Summer and Jesse, Jr. with separate ones to Amber and Benjamin. Christmas was quiet and I tried not to be depressed because Summer and Jesse, Jr. couldn’t be there. It’s hard not to be bitter at Jesse for not allowing our two grown children to be here.

It’s not their choice to be estranged from us and it’s not my choice, either.

               I’m trusted God that it would not always be this way.