Children in the Closet...Chapter 32

 Chapter 32

New Year’s Day 2020 was a huge relief to Benjamin. He had been seriously worried that the world would be thrown into chaos and was so happy that normal life continued.

We picked back up on our homeschool studies and enjoyed spring like temperatures the first half of January and then typical winter weather the second half.

In February we flew to Colorado for a ski trip to Winter Park and had a great time. Funny how travel seems to bring out the best in us as for as getting along with each other and not being tense and stressed. Perhaps it’s because we are more relaxed, I don’t know, but life has always been better when we are on vacation.  At least most of the time.

Alas, once we were home and back to our normal routines, things went back to being tense and stressful. Throughout the year it was an up and down cycle of bright hopeful days followed by deep despair and trauma and drama.

By our 37th wedding anniversary in April, I had given all my expectations to God. I had over the years believed that someday Jesse and I would figure out how to be happily married, but I lost all hope in that ever happening.

It was a couple of weeks before our anniversary and Amber and I had gone to the pool for synchro practice. I realized I had forgotten the sequins and materials I needed to work on her solo suit so I dropped her off and went back home to get it. Jesse was not expecting me for 3 or more hours and when I came in, he didn’t hear me. At this time, we had dial up Internet, so when he was on the computer, the phone line was engaged and if you called home, you only got a busy signal. 

I went into the dining room on my way to get the things I needed and saw Jesse at the computer scrolling through page after page of porn videos. Jesse was shocked to see me standing there and immediately shut down the computer.

I was numb with shock myself. I thought his obsession with pornography had been dealt with back in 1995, but truthfully, I had a deep feeling that there were things going on under the surface. I did my best to live in denial but I suspected things and now that I had seen what he was doing, I could NOT see the situation now. I had no idea what to do about anything. 

Jesse’s method of dealing with issues was to take the offensive and accuse me of things and attack every word I would say. He and Amber had some real blowups and he was angry at Benjamin as well. We were all so tense and stressed we were coiled up like a bed of snakes ready to strike.

I suffered from terrible headaches more days than not and I would often escape with the kids to Fort Worth and visit with Mother. I spoke to no one about what was going on in my life except to my mother. While she wasn’t the mother I wished she could have been in my childhood, she was a source of great comfort and support to me at that time.

Life was a crazy roller coaster of emotions and my feelings would go from the depths of despair to a fountain of new hope. Jesse registered us in a Family Life conference in May and Mother came over to stay with the kids while we spent a complete weekend at a hotel in Dallas for the seminar. Hope springs eternal I suppose but, once again, I had on my rose-colored glasses and was holding tight to the notion that we had reached a turning point towards a happy marriage.

Exactly one month after the conference I was once again so defeated and depressed that it was hard to function. I went to Jesse and asked him for some encouraging words and that simple request caused a hailstorm of bitter words and he said such hurtful things to me that I was stunned at the violence and vehemence of his voice. I felt attacked and helpless. Not only were we no better than before the conference – now we were in much deeper waters.

I immersed myself in my children – home schooling and activities and Amber’s synchronized swimming. We had several away meets and I was always Team Mom for them. Synchro was a bright spot in my life and took up a good bit of my time. Practices were on Tuesday and Thursday nights and Saturday mornings with extra hours spent land drilling and private practice on solo and duets.

We had competitions in Virginia, California, Connecticut, and New York and I was Team Mom for all of them. We all flew out together as a team and then Amber and I stayed another few days to sight see and have a mini-vacation for just the two of us.

When we went to the meet in Buffalo, New York, I had abscesses in all four of my crowns and was in a great deal of pain – but never considered not going for a single second. It was my therapy and I could find peace if only for that present time.

The only month Amber did not have synchro was August so we spent a lot of time at Hurricane Harbor. Benjamin loved the surfing ride and Amber loved the sun and water. It was a refuge for me as I could sit and read and pray and think.  Coach Megan and her mom often joined us and we played the card game Nuts and visited. We usually arrived shortly after they opened and stayed until closing.

I realized during a walk along the Lazy River that I had deep feelings of resentment – towards Jesse but also towards God. Once I realized this – it scared me. I immediately repented and asked God to forgive me, then I called Jesse and asked him to forgive me for my attitude of resentment. He seemed happy to get my call but all I had really done was give him more ammunition as I learned later that day. At any sign of weakness or vulnerableness, he would pounce on that and accuse me of all sorts of things.

September first has always been a special day to me and in spite of living such an emotionally crazy life, I still celebrated the things that brought me joy. I made fruitcake cookies and played Neil Diamond’s September Morn. Little things can mean so much and I concentrated on those.

September 8th was a Friday and I received a phone call that Summer had been in a bad traffic accident. A big truck with 12 rolls of carpet hit her vehicle while she was sitting still behind a stalled car.

While her injuries were serious, they were not life threatening and my very first thought was – Thank you, God! I had just spent some extra time praying for my daughter that very morning. I determined that Summer would be in my life whether Jesse liked it or not. I took her to the doctor and I visited her apartment and we talked on the phone.

I attended a ladies’ conference the week after Summer’s accident and shared with a friend the anguish and heartache of being estranged from two of my  children. I told her about Summer and Jesse, Jr and how much it hurt to not be able to see them. I even told her about Jesse forbidding us to be in contact with them and how wrong it felt. This was totally out of character for me as – to all who knew us – we looked like a perfectly normal family and no one had any earthly idea how messed up and dysfunctional we really were. It felt good to talk to someone and I trusted her to keep it confidential – which she did. Everyone needs a ‘safe’ person they can count on and so far, my only confidant had been my mother.

Another bright spot came on my birthday – September 24th when Jesse, Jr. called me to wish me a happy birthday. I was now 52 years old and hearing his voice for the first time in over a year. That was the best gift he could have given me.

Amber had done her PSAT testing by appointment at the public high school. She scored well above her grade level and one of my proudest accomplishments was enrolling her at North Lake College.

I had received only a 7th grade education and passed my GED when I was 16 years old. I continued to educate myself over the years but I had no experience in how to get Amber into college so the PSAT testing was my first hurdle.

North Lake received her scores and I was shocked when the dean called and said her grades did not fall into the acceptable range. He scolded me in saying that oftentimes parents THINK their child is ready for college when, in fact, they are not. To this day I am so proud that I was not intimidated by the president of North Lake – as I had finally worked my way up the chain – and I firmly insisted he look at her scores.

I’ll never forget the sound of his rapid footsteps clicking back to his office where I was waiting. He said, “Mrs. Davis, your daughter’s scores were not within range – they were beyond the normal testing score – not below!” She was now enrolled in English 1301 at age 15. 

Life kept going and the pain was undeniable and our life together did not seem like it could survive another year. Jesse spent many nights up and on the computer. I would be in bed and could see the reflected light from the school/sewing room flicker on the hall closet doors. I swear I could feel ‘evil’ and one time I got up to check on him. The art table was up and I still had the canvas I was currently working on up on the easel – which shielded me but I had a clear vision on what Jesse was watching. I felt as if I had ice water in my veins. I was so shaken at the depth of his addiction to pornography that I felt heavy as lead. The days of confrontation were over. I had no clue where we would go from here and Amber was only 15 and Benjamin 12.  I had little education, 52 years old, no job history and no money of my own. Where would I go if I left him and how would I support myself and my children. New thoughts were coming into my head and I had no idea what I could do. Survive and cope had been my motto since I was 9 years old. I had thought I could hang on to our life until the kids were grown but that no longer seemed possible. 

I turned away from the images of what Jesse was so engrossed in and crept back down the hall to bed. Fear, defeat, hopelessness, uncertainty - so many negative emotions kept me awake most of the night.

Christmas Eve was on Sunday that year so we went to church as a family and when we got home Jesse was back on the computer – this time shielding the screen where no one could see. I prepared lunch and afterwards opened our stockings.

Then Jesse was back on the computer and the kids played Nintendo in the den and I went for a walk in the neighborhood. It was cold and I could see all the families gathering together for Christmas Eve. Happy sounds and happy scenes and I so wished my life was like that. I got home and all was as I left it – Jesse on the computer and the kids playing games. I went to the bedroom and closed the door. At 11:00 Summer called me – she wanted me to know she had left cards in the mailbox for us. This was such a difficult Christmas Eve. How gracious Summer was in continuing to reach out and keep in touch.

At the beginning of the year, Benjamin still called me ‘Mama.’ By Christmas, I was ‘Mom.’ This was bittersweet to me. All year – every time he said ‘Mama’ I would treasure it in my heart knowing it might be the last time he said it.