Children in the Closet....Chapter 36

 Chapter 36

With the tragedy of 9-11 unfolding, our problems seemed so insignificant. Our world as we knew it changed that day and we would never go back to that age of innocence. Our country was attacked by terrorists and wars came from that. Ironically, it is 9-11-2024 as I write this chapter tonight so it is very present in my mind.

We stayed glued to the TV as the news continued and grew worse. Plumbers were coming out giving us estimates on the sewer line repairs and would stay and watch the news with us. It was totally overwhelming. Our nation was in crisis and I felt guilty that I was so upset with my own problems. What kind of person was I?

Relationships and responsibilities had me feeling so very inadequate in every area of my life. I felt like a failure in homeschooling my children. Why did I even think I could that with only a 7th grade education myself. Amber would take a full load at college the next year and that was good. I hoped Benjamin would succeed in his education as he was so self-motivated and smart. All my children were so much smarter than I.

Jesse’s back went out a few days later and he was in a lot of pain. He started going to the chiropractor two times a day but he was in bad shape.

No matter what the situation – even one that is as horrible as 9-11 – life goes on. Amber and I unpacked our suitcases and I went to bed reading the chemistry lesson for the next day. Praise God for teacher books! 

The world was normal on Monday and changed forever on Tuesday. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that life was still happening. Schedules, work, school, chores. Life was so stressful on so many different levels.

We all were struggling with the reality of what had happened.  Our church had a prayer service at noon on Friday and our neighborhood held a candlelight vigil at 9:30 the night of September 14th.

Jesse was sleeping in the den and I was grateful for that. He gave up his Sunday School class. Nothing was going well in any area of our lives…. church…. business…. marriage…. family.

I went for a walk after church on Sunday night and did some serious soul searching and praying.

I asked God to change ME – not everyone else. I can only make decisions for me. Everyone is accountable for their own lives and I have absolutely no control over what anyone else does. I prayed to God for wisdom and discernment in what I did have control over. Myself.

I felt a deep need to escape – in a book where I could lose myself. I longed to get in the car and drive up to Colorado and be alone for a few days. But realistically, I could not. Too many commitments and responsibilities.

13 days after 9-11 I had my 53rd birthday. Looking at the past 20 years, my house had burned and I had two more precious children. Looking forward 20 years when I would be 73 – where would I be and what would my life be like? I felt I was at a crossroads. It excited me and scared me at the same time. I received a few birthday cards and flowers were delivered from Summer. She came by after work and we had a sweet visit and Amber sat by my bed that night and talked for nearly an hour.

Jesse took no notice of the day and never even wished me a happy birthday. He was good at withholding. 

    The next day I went to Fort Worth and spent the night with Mother. She took me out for a steak dinner – this meal broke my year of being a vegetarian. It was delicious! She frosted my hair and we had such a good time talking and catching up. Sometimes it’s a really good thing to be able to talk about things with a safe person. And Mother was that to me and I was grateful.

    I spent the next night at Summer’s downtown apartment. She was going through a life changing situation and I was glad I could be there for her after all the years that I wasn’t.

    While Jesse ignored my birthday, four days later he took me to Medieval Times – while still never acknowledging my birthday. I did not want to give him the satisfaction that my feelings were hurt so I just enjoyed the evening.

    When we got home, Summer came over and she and I went to Grand Prairie to visit a friend.  That turned into a wonderful adventure! Her friend’s husband had a motorcycle and at 3:00 in the morning of September 28th, I was cruising along the streets of Grand Prairie! It had been a long time since I had such  good fun! What a lovely memory.

    Since Summer was making a change and leaving a long-term relationship, she needed a place to stay. My dear friends, JW and Melba, offered her the use of their RV and took it out to Cedar Hill State Park and set it up for her. She bought a large tent to hold all her household things, clothes and some furniture.

I slept at home on the 29th and then Benjamin and I went to the State Park to stay with Summer on the 30th. It was good to NOT be home for awhile.

  Monday, October 1st I woke up sick with a sinus infection and allergies – normal for me in October. I had the day to myself as Summer was at work. Even though I was sick I drove back to town and took Ben to Tae Kwon Do and Amber to the chiropractor before returning to the RV.

Jesse and I were avoiding each other as much as possible and that was good.

I loved the campsite – close enough to the lake with all sorts of intriguing night sounds and the delicious smells of fall. I sat at the picnic table writing some notes with Summer’s Coleman lantern lighting my pages and a small heater at my feet. I would need to bring a coat next time I went home. As I sat enjoying the night air, the silence and the total absence of tension and stress – it dawned on me that God had answered my prayers for an escape! 

    It was a beautiful place to be, with the luxury of a fully equipped RV and a bath house with good showers close by. I was thankful for the generosity of friends.

    Every morning, I would go for a walk with butterflies floating all around me before going home to take Amber and Benjamin to the various places they needed to go – piano lessons for both, Ben to North Lake College, the pool for Amber and Tae Kwon Do for Ben. He and I would be back to the RV before 6:00 every evening.

    Ben loved building a campfire and I would cook baked sweet potatoes in the ashes and he would grill hot dogs for him and Summer. I could have lived like this!

    We took school books with us and studied in the evenings. I was still sick but managing to keep up with his lessons but by the middle of the week I lost my voice and croaked like an old lady. Benjamin could understand me but I tried not to talk much since my throat hurt so badly. Ben had to translate when I talked on the phone to Jesse.

    I dropped Ben off at 12:30 the next day for Tae Kwon Do and went home for a couple of hours. My house was all torn up and I was sick in mind and heart and body. The den had a gaping hole in the ceiling from the chimney fire, the laundry room was a mess with sheet rock down in there, the kitchen flooring had been torn up and the living room had a three foot in diameter hole in the floor with all the furniture piled up with a piece of plywood covering the hole. All three bedrooms have mold issues; loose bricks on the front of the house and the stone needed repairs on the front porch. The back yard was a huge mess what with digging around the perimeter of the house. No jobs and no hopes of jobs and the money was running out. Everything was out of control and I could do nothing about any of it!

Jesse was hateful and argumentative and I couldn’t wait to get back to the State Park. I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I felt like a wounded animal and crawled into the girl bunk and stayed there. 

    The next morning, I was sicker than ever and stayed in bed most of the day. I felt so defeated and depressed. Summer arrived later that night with medicine for me. By Friday morning I was actually 

feeling better! Ben and I did all of the school lessons at the picnic table and had a cozy campfire where Ben toasted marshmallows. 

    That evening we had a party of sorts. Summer, Amber, Benjamin, Jesse, Sabrina and her husband and son all came to the campsite for a cookout and Nuts card game.

    While Summer and Sabrina were starting the food and the boys were building the campfire, Jesse and I went for a walk. The insurance situation was slowly being resolved and Jesse would do most of the work himself. I am feeling a little bit better about things. Sabrina’s son spent the night with us as he and Ben had really hit it off together and I was glad.

    Saturday was a day all to myself. Only I remained at the campground and I was savoring every minute. My last full day and night here. I would go home the next day. The campground was full and the fragrance of all the cookouts filled the air. Happy sounds of laughter and games and talking drifted through the trees. I was going to miss this place.

     Summer had bought me a newspaper and it was a luxurious treat to have coffee and reading the paper while she cooked us up a scrumptious breakfast! In the afternoon she and I did a good bit of cleaning and organizing. I packed up all the laundry and prepared to go home. I was putting on my real life like a dress. I purposed to clean and organize and repair my house…my life…and my marriage.

"And it came to pass..."

 Just a short journal entry to say this has been a much better week!

All systems are go with our water and plumbing....although RWD Services came out yesterday - at no charge - to use the camera to check the lines from where they repaired the sewer to the back fence.

The guys had a nagging feeling that there might be an additonal problem and, sure enough, there is.

I looked at the camera screen as it showed roots and a shift in the pipe that will need to be replaced - at some point. I can either put this off until the time comes when the roots get worse and the plumbing again stops up. Or I can address it sooner rather than later, and at 77 years old, I think it will be easier to deal with this than when I am perhaps 87!

They are working up an estimate and I am so grateful this will not be an emergency issue.

The work will involve taking up a stone walk, the pond area Louis Dean created last year and the shade garden. Major landscaping changes will be required.

Again - better now than later.

Grateful I have Hector and Bruno - although Bruno is more expensive.

It is what it is and we will do what we need to do.

I pray every day for wisdom in taking care of Louis Dean and making decisions that I am still new at making. Who knew I would be in charge of so much at this time of my life?

I had a new batch of chocolate chip cookies for them and they loved them!

In other news, I received a call from the VA Enrollment and Elegibilty Division yesterday.

I spoke to a real person and she gav me so much information and a break down of just exactly what I need to do to receive VA benefits for Louis Dean. Since he didn't serve in the army during a time of war, he is not elegible for financial aid, he does qualify for medical benefits which include Home Health Aid and long term care.

The sweet representative is mailing me the documents and I wrote down all the instructions on filling them out. While I pray we will not need the VA help - it will be a comfort to know that it's in place if we do.

I'm back to cooking meals and making sure Louis Dean eats well.

Do any of you make any of the Facebook reels?

This is one of them and it was really good.

I served it on some really good toasted bread and topped with sliced avocado - for me.

LD doesn't love it so I don't serve that to him - other than in guacomole.

We are still packing Christmas away and Louis Dean is a huge help in packing the tubs.

The house is still a wreck but I'm not fretting about it.

Our bedroom, my bathroom, the kitchen and now most of the den is devoid of Christmas but feels rather empty since I haven't brought my debris fillers in yet.

Louis Dean loves movies - especially John Wayne - but I have watched the last one for a good while.

I just can't.

But we have an entire bookcase full of DVDs and I told him we would watch one together every day.

It has to be one both of us like.....

Last night was On Golden Pond.....

I love that film and I have actually been to Squam Lake in central New Hampshire.where they filmed the movie.

In years past, I would travel somewhere special for my birthday and this was one of our stops in our tour of New England.

I'm only good for ONE movie so I left him up to watch this one - which we have both seen recently!

Meals require attention and I try not to waste food.

Today was a BLT that was exceptionally good due to the multigrain bread.

Once again, I added avocado to mine.

We went to vote after lunch and it was our first time out of the house in over a week.

Did errands and picked up meds at Walgreens and I shopped Aldi.

We were out of a weird list of stuff.....

coffee filters, black pepper, bleach, parchment paper....

Cocktail hour on the driveway......

Wine, grapes, chicken salad and crackers.

This is tonight's feature film.....

It was my turn to choose and I admit I wanted to have something Louis Dean would really love to watch.

Tomorrow is our movie night with Ilene and the movie choice is OURS!!

Have you seen any good ones lately??

Our Valentine's Weekend.....

 Louis Dean's short term memory is next to nothing so I was very surprised when he greeted me on Saturday morning with a homemade Valentine's card...

I said, "You remembered!"

He said, "It was hard to miss since it's all over Facebook!"

This year's Valentines plus the previous two....

We don't get out much any more and that is true....

and it's also true that Louis Dean is extremely creative!

How blessed am I to be married to such a romantic man?

He makes me so happy even when he makes me crazy!

He is my one true love and I am his second true love.

I am looking forward to meeting his beloved Ellen in heaven because I have come to love and admire her as I have learned so much about the great love she had for Louis Dean and the love he had...and has....for her.

My son and his wife celebrated their first anniversary on Valentine's Day....

And to top it all off - it was my brother Buster's birthday!!!

We talked on the phone that evening and I am so grateful for the memories we have made together and looking forward to the ones we will make in the future.

Louis Dean and I enjoy our mornings on the kitchen deck.

I do my devotionals and we do our out loud readings....

Amber gifted her dad with this book about historical heros!

He totally LOVED Ella Fitzgerald!

As I played the songs referenced on YouTube, he squealed like a little kid in delight!

I played all the songs mentioned in the chapter and he loved them all!

We love our birds and Louis Dean keeps the feeders full.

Except he hung a different one from that the birds loved.....it was a home repaired one with blue duct tape and they absolutely refused to go to it!

I finally convinced him to replace that one with the original one they love.

And just like that - the birds were back!!

Ilene joined us for a movie on Sunday night.

I made a charcuterie board and a fancy cocktail of strawberry wine and sparkling water.

This was our movie and it was wonderful!

A fun movie in spite of the sad parts.

We laughed and sang along and loved that this film was based on a true story.

Brenda and Billy took us to Branson a few years ago and we watched a great Neil Diamond Tribute.

We loved it!!

And I had Alexa play Neil Diamond music all day today!

Louis Dean needs a project and I keep a list of them up my sleeve.

He had fixated on the bird feeders and he really meeded to leave tham alone.

So I gave him some peat pots and garden soil and seeds.

He had a new project that kept him focused for several hours.

I'm loving the comfy sheets from my Tuesday Treasures a few weeks ago.

Normally, I would still be using our flannel sheet sets, but the weather is warmer than usual and I decided to change out to these.

All our plumbing is working and we have cold and hot water in the kitchen and bathrooms.

Life is slowly getting back to normal - whatever that is!

I'm still taking Christmas down but by limiting our outings and no entertaining it has allowed me to proceed at a leisurely pace.

I have been struggling with stomach issues since Christmas and have been miserable.

I continue to struggle even now....

It appears that stress is a cause of just about everything!

I am weary and trying my very best to relax and give my burdens to the Lord.

Funny how one can be so severely stressed and not even realize it....

but it is happening to me.

We Have Our Bathrooms Back.....

 It's been a long three weeks of pioneering life and I have struggled with all manner of issues from stomach cramps which rivaled labor pains to indigestion, nausea and more.

Ilene and I had planned on our usual Super Bowl Get Together, but that didn't happen.

I was in bed much of the day but rallied enough to put a tray of veggies to roast...

actually, two trays.

Grilled some smoked sausages and called it Super Bowl food.

The excavation crew arrived Monday morning and started working.

We have his and hers Buckets....

....his is a Home Depot one and mine is a grade above - one from Harbor Freight.

I think I may have the prettiest outhouse ever!

Candles lit and soft lighting and relaxing instrumental music.

I did everything I could to stay calm and not go into a frenzy or panic mode.

Even switched from a heavy novel about post civil war to a lighter novel set in England which Amber gifted me for Christmas.

RWD Services arrived on Tuesday morning to begin the repairs.

Brenda and Billy came over later that afternoon bringing a large Sonic tea for me.

Brenda and I sat out on the driveway visiting while Billy went in to see what was wrong with Louis Dean's chair.

He wasn't in there but a few minutes before he came out to say the chair was fixed!

It turned out to be a nut job!!

Billy found a pecan stuck in the track of the recliner, it fell out when he lifted the sofa.

Amber had stocked us up with entrees and treats last week and I made a pasta dish from one of those reels on Facebook. Cooked pasta, eggs, basil pesto and seasonings. The chicken from Sprouts cooked in the air fryer and the whole thing made such a great meal.

If I had felt better, I would have made a salad and garlic toast to go with it.

By late Wednesday, I had my batroom and shower back!!!

It was wonderful to flush again!

No shower, though, as the hot water cut off valve had not been turned on.

The plumbers didn't know about that so they turned it on this morning.

The city inspector came but there was a glitch in the plumbing that I could not understand.

Something about a minor appliance over a major one and a question about a distance rule for something else. After the plumbers consulted with the inspector, a new plan was made and it would take all day to execute it.

Thankfully, it did NOT!

The plumbers figured out a simpler solution and the inspector approved and then passed the inspection!

By 12:30 - the plumbers were done!

Around 2:30 the excavation crew was back!

I made cookies for the workers and some for Louis Dean!

Tomorrow our normal life will begin again....

Louis Dean has done especially well during the last several weeks.

He's stayed busy in his room and even played his guitar a little while this afternoon.

We love our birds and Louis Dean has been filling the feeders as soon as they go down.

What a great gift from the Bells!

Now I'm off to take a nice long hot shower and a good shampoo before going to bed made up with the new sheets I bought recently.

Thank you to all our friends and family who have prayed for and encouraged us.

God bless you, every one.

I Was Okay Until I Was NOT Okay

 I watch Fellowship Church online at this point in our lives and sometimes Louis Dean joins me and most times not. I'm grateful for modern technology that allows me to stay a part of the church even though we can't attend in person.

Brenda gave me the eggnog she didn't use from Christmas knowing I love to bake fruited eggnog bread.

And so I did! It is delicious toasted and buttered even if I say so myself.

It was a good Sunday and in the afternoon, I sat down in the den to watch a movie.

When I got up, my sciatica nerve in my right hip seized up.

It was painful but made me think about the pain my sweet Sherry is in as she awaits hip surgery....first one and then the other. God bless her and I know these surgeries will give her her old life back.

She loves heavy equipment, has a red tractor and can run just about any heavy equipment that comes her way. And it often does!

Our sweet Stephanie sent the entree over and I made potato salad and corn plus sliced red onions.

We are so blessed with such good neighbors!

Louis Dean and I went to bed early since he had an 8:00 appointment with his primary care physician.

I was up at 5:30 so I would have my wits about me and was able to wake LD up and we hade it to the doctor office only 5 minutes late!

He had his can and I was limping along beside him.

I asked him, "When did we turn into two really old 

people?"

I guess we weren't really late since we had to wait another 10 minutes and took lots of selfies as is our tradition. This was the best one....

We love Dr. Maddox and Louis Dean got a good report for an 89 year old guy!

It was recommended he get the shingles vaccine as well as the RSV one.

I'm not sure if we will do that and certainly not now.

Our life is in such a turmoil with no bathroom facilities and the house a wreck as we take Christmas down and Louis Dean is already so overwhelmed and does not understand what is going on.

For several mornings, LD would wake me up and say we had no water in the bathroom.

Then in the evening, he would tell me he wanted to go take a nice long hot bath. I can't subject him to any more stress than is absolutely necessary. At least for now.

We left the doctor's office after they did labs on him and we decided to do a few errands on our way home. Stopped at Joe V's for lots of good fruits and veggies and more and then filled the car up with gas.

We were home by 10:30......

That's when I felt relief and then went downhill from there.

For whatever reason, I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't function, so I went to bed.

Monday was an awful day from that point on.....

I think you understand.

I was so emotional that I could not talk to even the people I love.

I did my best to interact with Louis Dean as normally as possible so he wouldn't know how fragile I was. Jutta called me from Finland but I did not have enough emotional energy to carry a

conversation. Since she loves me, I'm sure she understands but this was alarming to me.

The next day I talked to Summer and, once again, I raised my voice and argued with her...even though she was offering to help me.

As hard as Monday was, Tuesday was even worse.

I planned to meet Brenda at the thrift store at 1:00 thinking it would make me feel better, but I couldn't get myself pulled together so I cancelled.

At this point, Louis Dean knew I was not okay - maybe since I kept tearing up.

That only made things worse because he thought he'd done something wrong.

Later in the afternoon I got dressed and Louuis Dean and I both went out to do errands.

I've been purging and organizing my closets and bathroom so I had a big load to drop off at Goodwill.

Louis Dean went in with me at one thrift store but that didn't turn out well.

I ran in at the second thrift store and he stayed in the car.

I was looking for drapes to hang at the French doors in the kitchen but didn't find any.

I did find a few treasures, though.

The Skechers boots will come in handy to wear with jeans at hockey games.

The house shoes were brand new and I couldn't pass up the sunflowers, cotton bolls and spring wreath!

Best of all was this Queen size sheet set with four matching pillowcases!

I'll be purging all my linens later this spring and will only keep the things I really love.

I really do have too much of everything.

We spent a couple of hours outside on the driveway enjoying the beautiful weather.

I think it's good for me to spend time outside.

It helps keep me calm.

Our sweet next door neighbors are away and offered us their bathrooms.

We haven't had full use of ours since last Tuesday and no use at all since Friday morning.

I am so totally overwhelmed with all that's happening around here.

Summer reached out to me on Tuesday to help me with obtaining Louis Dean's DD214 in order for us to check into possible VA benefits. Thank you, Summer....

Dean and Sherry called to check on us and talking to them really helped.

I told him that were I to ask for help - what would I ask for?

Family and friends, neighbors and all the prayers of those who are praying for us.

That's priceless.

We've been given meals and all sorts of good things.

When others are out doing errands, they will call or text asking me if we need anything.

During the ice, Mark brought us over a bag of salt.

Ilene calls and checks on us and visits when the weather is okay.

So much kindness from so many.

The bottom line is that no one can take care of Louis Dean like I can.

He has his room to piddle and the back yard to do things like fill the bird feeders.

He can keep busy doing all manner of things - things that he can't do anywhere else but here at home.

He plays music a little but not much.

It is now quite obvious to me that my husband requires 24/7 now.

His neurologist told me that when he was first diagnosed in February 2023.

So three years later, I can no longer deny this.

We gathered our bath things together and went over to enjoy a good shower for me and a nice long bath for Louis Dean.

I had bought a huge pizza at Aldi and added extra cheese and toppings and we watched a program before I left LD in the den watching a western.

I thought I had set us up for a good night's sleep, but alas, that didn't happen.

When I woke up at 1:30 and Louis Dean was not in bed so I checked RING and found him in the kitchen. He had a big butcher knife and had stabbed at a can of soup trying to get it open.

He said, "Well! We don't have a can opener!"

We do have one and it was sitting right on front of him on the counter but he didn't recognize it.

Apparently, he didn't like the pizza and was hungry. 

I helped him with the soup and cleaned up the spilled milk.

Louis Dean tends to pour milk up in glasses and cover the tops with zip lock bags.

Then he takes the jug to his room, cleans it and fills it up with water.

Well by the time I got him settled in his music room with his soup and crackers, I was wide awake!

It was 4:00 in the morning when I finally went to sleep.

I was still shaky but decided to get dressed and get out of the house for a few minutes.

I kept checking my RING cameras to make sure he wasn't getting into trouble while I stopped off to speak with Ilene about our Super Bowl plans, picked up medicine and ran into the Dollar store.

Then I sat outside on the driveway while Louis Dean took the big white Christmas tree down from the front yard. He did a good job boxing it up and securing it as well as storing it away.

Today is Thursday and I did not sleep well last night - switching from our bed to the guest room and back and forth all night all.

I'm  still not akay yet but I'm feeling a little better.

My hands are shaky and I'm exhausted to the bone.

But I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself.

Playing calming music.

Lighting fragrant candles.

Cleaning things.

Reading.

Writing.

Listening to the birds.

Praying.

Looking at the sky.

Amber came over and spent the entire aternoon with us.

I was sitting on the driveway waiting for her and she came loaded down with all sorts of good things!

Treats, meals, cleaning supplies, paper plates, Diet Cokes, beauty products.....and on and on and on!!

The first two hours she was here and it was just the two of us.

Her dad was in the back yard 'putting things in order.'

Amber put the bird feeder with a camera they gifted hime for Christmas together.

It did my heart good to catch up with all the news of school and hockey and the busy life of the Bells.

The Bell grands are preparing for high school and I was interested in their chosen courses and electives.

Amber hugged me several times.

Good long meaningful hugs that did me a world of good.

Her dad finished in the back year and joined us on the drive way for the next few hours.

I am blessed to have such wonderful support from so many.

I'm going to be okay - I know that.

But for the time being, I am as nervous as I've not been in years and years.

Still shaky hands and feeling dizzy along with just feeling like I'm getting sick.

When Amber left, Louis Dean went to his room and seemed to be engaged in whatever he does so I went to the guest room, turned the fans on and the lights out and took a nap.

I woke up with a start as I heard someone pounding on the front door.

It was dark by now and I staggered to the foyer!

Louis Dean had gone out to the back yard and then went through the gate to the front for whatever reason he had. A Spectrum guy chatted him up and Louis Dean said they had a nice visit.

But by this time he had forgotten he had come through the gate and thought I had locked him out!!

I'm trying to stay real but I don't want y'all to worry about us.

It's hard right now.

NO bathrooms.

This morning I got up earlier than LD as he slept until noon.

I had been outside for a good while and I kept checking my RING so I would know when he got up.

He was in his room getting dressed and making coffee so I slipped down the hall and he didn't notice.

When I went back outside, Louis Dean was looking all around for me and when he saw me, he said, "Linda! Where were you? I couldn't FIND you!!"

I laughed and said, "I was busy visting my Home Depot bucket!!"

He has his own!!

By the way -  this journal entry has taken me four days to write!!