Chapter 30
The next few years, for all outward appearances, looked like we were a ‘normal’ happy family. I devoted myself to homeschooling and Amber’s synchronized swimming while Benjamin took Tae Kwon Do classes. We did all the expected things as in church involvement and family gatherings, ski trips, vacations and holidays while no one but my mother and siblings suspected that I was desperately depressed and unhappy. This time, though, I did not resort to pills to help me through. I stayed so busy I didn’t have time to think about what Jesse was doing.
He continued to go to counseling but became even more bitter and hostile to me and Summer and Jesse, Jr. and soon he was resentful of Amber and Benjamin. As well. He changed counselors frequently and then we both went to counseling. Talking was dangerous and I turned into a cowardly little mouse. Whatever I said, Jesse would turn it around and use it against me.
When he was going to Minirith Meier Clinic he was one of their most successful patients and was an example to all in the program. He was leading them in prayer and ‘mentoring’ others – all the while continuing to act out in private. He was severely addicted to pornography and went to great lengths to find ways to feed that addiction.
His counselors were ready to release him from the mandatory sessions when they asked me to come for a private meeting with them. I was shocked at how he had convinced them of his supposed ‘recovery’ and told them frankly what was going on at home and how distant and yet defiant he was with us. I was pretty much a basket case and so nervous but I had to speak the truth. Nothing had really changed. Nothing. In fact, things were getting progressively worse. But they released him anyway and declared him ‘cured.’
I had headaches daily and day to day living at home was tense. The bright spots were when Mother would come over and make Texas Trash for us or frost my hair or spend the night and we would wake up to hash brown potatoes and a good breakfast.
She made it a point to go to all of Amber’s local swim meets and even helped with scoring and whatever way she could. Jesse resented her but didn’t say much.
As time went by, I convinced myself that Jesse had actually ‘recovered’ from his addiction. It made life easier for me to believe in him as opposed to giving my doubts and suspicions ground. I put my best face forward and decided to think the best unless confronted with the worst.
Still, I suffered with terrible headaches – so much so that it was an unusual day for me NOT to have one. And I was sick a lot. Seems like I came down with some bug every single month.
In August of 1995, Deanie married Charlie and we attended their wedding. While I would have loved to stay for the reception, Jesse was insistent on us leaving and, so as not to make a scene, we slipped away early. Jesse did not like to visit any of my family – other than Lonnie who worked for him.
When we did go around them, he would slink off and sulk in a corner and cause the rest of us to be uncomfortable so it was easier to go without him.
We continued to attend Bill Gothard seminars and other conferences although they did not seem to bring out the best in Jesse. He would come home all moody and irritable – even more so after
One of The Promise Keepers weeklong conferences.
By 1997 I was totally looking at my life through rose-colored glasses. I did my dead level best to be the wife Jesse needed and I thought wanted. Turning a blind eye to avoid dealing with things too painful was a way to ‘escape.’ This wasn’t the first time I had used this coping tool. This worked for a whole year – all through 1998 – which definitely had some major obstacles come up.
The year started off fine with Jesse, Jr. becoming engaged to a lovely lady. We were so happy for them – until it all went south.
Although Jesse had been through his own moral problems and immoral addictions, he was extremely judgmental over both his oldest son and daughter’s personal choices in life. He did not think Jesse, Jr. should marry until he had given his approval and he refused to do so. He refused to attend their wedding and, I’m ashamed to say it, but I did not have the courage to go against him, so neither I, the groom’s mother, nor Amber and Benjamin attended either. Instead, Jesse took us to Colorado for a vacation. Mother stepped into the gap and was a support to my son in my absence as were my siblings.
If I had it to do over again – I would have been there along with my youngest children. Alas, life does not give you ‘retakes.’
We were thereby estranged from both Summer and Jesse, Jr. for some time and Jesse didn’t even allow us to go to Fort Worth anymore to visit with any of my family.
One Sunday after church a group of us decided to go to the Olive Garden for lunch. We sat at a table for eight with Amber sitting at one end of the table with Benjamin on her left and her dad on her right while I sat at the opposite end.
We were all having a nice time talking before our food arrived and then there was a lull in the conversation as we were served and then the chatting started up again. Amber and Benjamin decided to share portions of their entrée with each other and she put some of her food on his plate and was cutting some of his to put on her plate. I don’t know what Jesse thought she was doing but he started yelling at her and slapped her hands as if she were a 2-year-old instead of twelve.
The table fell suddenly silent and we were staring at Jesse. Amber was so humiliated that she had slid down in her chair so low you could only see the top of her head. At that moment in time – iron entered my soul. While I had never confronted Jesse in public before, I immediately stood up and walked around the table to where he sat. He quit ranting at Amber, turned in his chair and stood up. I spoke in a firm quiet voice, “You can NOT treat her like this! YOU need to make this RIGHT and you need to it NOW!”
It surprised me when he squatted down by Amber’s chair and apologized and asked her to forgive him. Slowly the table talk resumed and, though everyone was trying hard to act normal, it was obvious that there was more going on in our family than they thought.
I found a horse camp for Amber and Ben – Camp El Har – and they both loved it! We continued to homeschool, go on field trips, attend the Meyerson Symphony, and even had a camping trip at Cedar Hill State Park. Mother came over to visit fairly often and we went to see her in Fort Worth a few times. While Jesse wasn’t happy about this, he didn’t say anything.
I attended a Women of Faith conference with some of the ladies from church. It was the last Friday and Saturday night in September. I had hoped this would help me – but I only felt more alone and isolated than ever. I had just turned 50 years old the Thursday before the conference and was trying to sort some things out in my life. The main thing I felt was tired. Tired to the bone. Tired of trying to make life better. Tired of trying to please Jesse. Tired of walking on eggshells to keep peace in the family. I felt like giving up – and then on Sunday after church – Amber gave me a surprise belated birthday party! She had secretly invited my lady friends from church along with Mother. She asked everyone to write about the first time they met me and had them all sign this giant card she had made. There were refreshments and, all of a sudden, Life was good again!
Amber had designed and planned the whole thing and had enlisted her dad to help her, which he did. It was an all-ladies’ party and he stayed out of sight. I missed Summer not being there but was so encouraged by the party that it gave me the extra emotional boost I needed to keep on keeping on.
The year was drawing to a close and on Halloween we had a big ‘Pumpkin Party’ on the 31st of October and then lots of activities leading up to Thanksgiving – which happened to be on Jesse Jr’s birthday. I had quietly mailed a card off to him without Jesse knowing. Summer sent two cards to us – one for Jesse and me and another for Amber and Benjamin.
For Thanksgiving, our table was full but I missed Jesse, Jr, his wife and Summer. Mother was doing her best to visit and stay in our lives as much as she possibly could. I think she was afraid Jesse would not allow her to come over anymore if she left too much time go by between visits. He had only expressed irritation when she was here and he distanced himself – which was fine with us! The chairs were all filled with the four of us, Mother and a friend of Benjamin’s whose family did not celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter.
Mother spent the night and we all went Christmas shopping the next day. Jesse stayed pretty much to himself working on the storage building in the back yard and hooking up electricity to it. He had also been making repairs to the spa and finally got that up and running.
The last few days of November slipped by and then we were busy all of December with homeschool parties, 4-H meetings, horse lessons, Christmas programs at church, homeschool and other activities. Mother was here for all of them and the week before Christmas we all drove over to Fort Worth, including Jesse, to take her out to dinner and to look at Christmas lights. Jesse was in a really dark and angry mood, but we carried him on our joy until he mellowed out some. By the time we got home late that night, he was much improved.
Joy is a choice. Happiness comes and goes depending on all sorts of things from feelings to circumstances and more. But one can always have JOY if you choose to have it. I discovered this back in September when Amber gave me that birthday party. I can focus on the Joy in life or I can see only the sorrows. One can have both, but if I focused on the sorrows too much, it blocked out my joy. When I could not have the joy and happiness I wanted in my marriage, I could find joy and happiness in other areas. So that's what I did, joy in my children, friends, books, art, music, nature. There’s joy some place if we just look hard enough to find it.
Christmas arrived and, once again, it was just the four of us and Mother plus a couple of friends from church. We made the best of what we had and the day was filled with Nintendo games, good food, all the festivities of opening stockings at the breakfast table and gifts around the tree.
The day after Christmas Amber and Benjamin went to Horse Camp for three days and nights and loved every minute of it! I knew they would. Mother went home and it was just the two of us, Jesse and me, for a few days. Strange how this worked out. Jesse kept to himself as if he was afraid to be around me. If I was in one room, he was in another. As it happened, I had three wonderful days all to myself. I packed away Christmas, cleaned house and did a lot of thinking and soul searching.
