I Was Okay Until I Was NOT Okay

 I watch Fellowship Church online at this point in our lives and sometimes Louis Dean joins me and most times not. I'm grateful for modern technology that allows me to stay a part of the church even though we can't attend in person.

Brenda gave me the eggnog she didn't use from Christmas knowing I love to bake fruited eggnog bread.

And so I did! It is delicious toasted and buttered even if I say so myself.

It was a good Sunday and in the afternoon, I sat down in the den to watch a movie.

When I got up, my sciatica nerve in my right hip seized up.

It was painful but made me think about the pain my sweet Sherry is in as she awaits hip surgery....first one and then the other. God bless her and I know these surgeries will give her her old life back.

She loves heavy equipment, has a red tractor and can run just about any heavy equipment that comes her way. And it often does!

Our sweet Stephanie sent the entree over and I made potato salad and corn plus sliced red onions.

We are so blessed with such good neighbors!

Louis Dean and I went to bed early since he had an 8:00 appointment with his primary care physician.

I was up at 5:30 so I would have my wits about me and was able to wake LD up and we hade it to the doctor office only 5 minutes late!

He had his can and I was limping along beside him.

I asked him, "When did we turn into two really old 

people?"

I guess we weren't really late since we had to wait another 10 minutes and took lots of selfies as is our tradition. This was the best one....

We love Dr. Maddox and Louis Dean got a good report for an 89 year old guy!

It was recommended he get the shingles vaccine as well as the RSV one.

I'm not sure if we will do that and certainly not now.

Our life is in such a turmoil with no bathroom facilities and the house a wreck as we take Christmas down and Louis Dean is already so overwhelmed and does not understand what is going on.

For several mornings, LD would wake me up and say we had no water in the bathroom.

Then in the evening, he would tell me he wanted to go take a nice long hot bath. I can't subject him to any more stress than is absolutely necessary. At least for now.

We left the doctor's office after they did labs on him and we decided to do a few errands on our way home. Stopped at Joe V's for lots of good fruits and veggies and more and then filled the car up with gas.

We were home by 10:30......

That's when I felt relief and then went downhill from there.

For whatever reason, I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't function, so I went to bed.

Monday was an awful day from that point on.....

I think you understand.

I was so emotional that I could not talk to even the people I love.

I did my best to interact with Louis Dean as normally as possible so he wouldn't know how fragile I was. Jutta called me from Finland but I did not have enough emotional energy to carry a

conversation. Since she loves me, I'm sure she understands but this was alarming to me.

The next day I talked to Summer and, once again, I raised my voice and argued with her...even though she was offering to help me.

As hard as Monday was, Tuesday was even worse.

I planned to meet Brenda at the thrift store at 1:00 thinking it would make me feel better, but I couldn't get myself pulled together so I cancelled.

At this point, Louis Dean knew I was not okay - maybe since I kept tearing up.

That only made things worse because he thought he'd done something wrong.

Later in the afternoon I got dressed and Louuis Dean and I both went out to do errands.

I've been purging and organizing my closets and bathroom so I had a big load to drop off at Goodwill.

Louis Dean went in with me at one thrift store but that didn't turn out well.

I ran in at the second thrift store and he stayed in the car.

I was looking for drapes to hang at the French doors in the kitchen but didn't find any.

I did find a few treasures, though.

The Skechers boots will come in handy to wear with jeans at hockey games.

The house shoes were brand new and I couldn't pass up the sunflowers, cotton bolls and spring wreath!

Best of all was this Queen size sheet set with four matching pillowcases!

I'll be purging all my linens later this spring and will only keep the things I really love.

I really do have too much of everything.

We spent a couple of hours outside on the driveway enjoying the beautiful weather.

I think it's good for me to spend time outside.

It helps keep me calm.

Our sweet next door neighbors are away and offered us their bathrooms.

We haven't had full use of ours since last Tuesday and no use at all since Friday morning.

I am so totally overwhelmed with all that's happening around here.

Summer reached out to me on Tuesday to help me with obtaining Louis Dean's DD214 in order for us to check into possible VA benefits. Thank you, Summer....

Dean and Sherry called to check on us and talking to them really helped.

I told him that were I to ask for help - what would I ask for?

Family and friends, neighbors and all the prayers of those who are praying for us.

That's priceless.

We've been given meals and all sorts of good things.

When others are out doing errands, they will call or text asking me if we need anything.

During the ice, Mark brought us over a bag of salt.

Ilene calls and checks on us and visits when the weather is okay.

So much kindness from so many.

The bottom line is that no one can take care of Louis Dean like I can.

He has his room to piddle and the back yard to do things like fill the bird feeders.

He can keep busy doing all manner of things - things that he can't do anywhere else but here at home.

He plays music a little but not much.

It is now quite obvious to me that my husband requires 24/7 now.

His neurologist told me that when he was first diagnosed in February 2023.

So three years later, I can no longer deny this.

We gathered our bath things together and went over to enjoy a good shower for me and a nice long bath for Louis Dean.

I had bought a huge pizza at Aldi and added extra cheese and toppings and we watched a program before I left LD in the den watching a western.

I thought I had set us up for a good night's sleep, but alas, that didn't happen.

When I woke up at 1:30 and Louis Dean was not in bed so I checked RING and found him in the kitchen. He had a big butcher knife and had stabbed at a can of soup trying to get it open.

He said, "Well! We don't have a can opener!"

We do have one and it was sitting right on front of him on the counter but he didn't recognize it.

Apparently, he didn't like the pizza and was hungry. 

I helped him with the soup and cleaned up the spilled milk.

Louis Dean tends to pour milk up in glasses and cover the tops with zip lock bags.

Then he takes the jug to his room, cleans it and fills it up with water.

Well by the time I got him settled in his music room with his soup and crackers, I was wide awake!

It was 4:00 in the morning when I finally went to sleep.

I was still shaky but decided to get dressed and get out of the house for a few minutes.

I kept checking my RING cameras to make sure he wasn't getting into trouble while I stopped off to speak with Ilene about our Super Bowl plans, picked up medicine and ran into the Dollar store.

Then I sat outside on the driveway while Louis Dean took the big white Christmas tree down from the front yard. He did a good job boxing it up and securing it as well as storing it away.

Today is Thursday and I did not sleep well last night - switching from our bed to the guest room and back and forth all night all.

I'm  still not akay yet but I'm feeling a little better.

My hands are shaky and I'm exhausted to the bone.

But I'm doing everything I can to take care of myself.

Playing calming music.

Lighting fragrant candles.

Cleaning things.

Reading.

Writing.

Listening to the birds.

Praying.

Looking at the sky.

Amber came over and spent the entire aternoon with us.

I was sitting on the driveway waiting for her and she came loaded down with all sorts of good things!

Treats, meals, cleaning supplies, paper plates, Diet Cokes, beauty products.....and on and on and on!!

The first two hours she was here and it was just the two of us.

Her dad was in the back yard 'putting things in order.'

Amber put the bird feeder with a camera they gifted hime for Christmas together.

It did my heart good to catch up with all the news of school and hockey and the busy life of the Bells.

The Bell grands are preparing for high school and I was interested in their chosen courses and electives.

Amber hugged me several times.

Good long meaningful hugs that did me a world of good.

Her dad finished in the back year and joined us on the drive way for the next few hours.

I am blessed to have such wonderful support from so many.

I'm going to be okay - I know that.

But for the time being, I am as nervous as I've not been in years and years.

Still shaky hands and feeling dizzy along with just feeling like I'm getting sick.

When Amber left, Louis Dean went to his room and seemed to be engaged in whatever he does so I went to the guest room, turned the fans on and the lights out and took a nap.

I woke up with a start as I heard someone pounding on the front door.

It was dark by now and I staggered to the foyer!

Louis Dean had gone out to the back yard and then went through the gate to the front for whatever reason he had. A Spectrum guy chatted him up and Louis Dean said they had a nice visit.

But by this time he had forgotten he had come through the gate and thought I had locked him out!!

I'm trying to stay real but I don't want y'all to worry about us.

It's hard right now.

NO bathrooms.

This morning I got up earlier than LD as he slept until noon.

I had been outside for a good while and I kept checking my RING so I would know when he got up.

He was in his room getting dressed and making coffee so I slipped down the hall and he didn't notice.

When I went back outside, Louis Dean was looking all around for me and when he saw me, he said, "Linda! Where were you? I couldn't FIND you!!"

I laughed and said, "I was busy visting my Home Depot bucket!!"

He has his own!!

By the way -  this journal entry has taken me four days to write!!