Chapter 36
With the tragedy of 9-11 unfolding, our problems seemed so insignificant. Our world as we knew it changed that day and we would never go back to that age of innocence. Our country was attacked by terrorists and wars came from that. Ironically, it is 9-11-2024 as I write this chapter tonight so it is very present in my mind.
We stayed glued to the TV as the news continued and grew worse. Plumbers were coming out giving us estimates on the sewer line repairs and would stay and watch the news with us. It was totally overwhelming. Our nation was in crisis and I felt guilty that I was so upset with my own problems. What kind of person was I?
Relationships and responsibilities had me feeling so very inadequate in every area of my life. I felt like a failure in homeschooling my children. Why did I even think I could that with only a 7th grade education myself. Amber would take a full load at college the next year and that was good. I hoped Benjamin would succeed in his education as he was so self-motivated and smart. All my children were so much smarter than I.
Jesse’s back went out a few days later and he was in a lot of pain. He started going to the chiropractor two times a day but he was in bad shape.
No matter what the situation – even one that is as horrible as 9-11 – life goes on. Amber and I unpacked our suitcases and I went to bed reading the chemistry lesson for the next day. Praise God for teacher books!
The world was normal on Monday and changed forever on Tuesday. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that life was still happening. Schedules, work, school, chores. Life was so stressful on so many different levels.
We all were struggling with the reality of what had happened. Our church had a prayer service at noon on Friday and our neighborhood held a candlelight vigil at 9:30 the night of September 14th.
Jesse was sleeping in the den and I was grateful for that. He gave up his Sunday School class. Nothing was going well in any area of our lives…. church…. business…. marriage…. family.
I went for a walk after church on Sunday night and did some serious soul searching and praying.
I asked God to change ME – not everyone else. I can only make decisions for me. Everyone is accountable for their own lives and I have absolutely no control over what anyone else does. I prayed to God for wisdom and discernment in what I did have control over. Myself.
I felt a deep need to escape – in a book where I could lose myself. I longed to get in the car and drive up to Colorado and be alone for a few days. But realistically, I could not. Too many commitments and responsibilities.
13 days after 9-11 I had my 53rd birthday. Looking at the past 20 years, my house had burned and I had two more precious children. Looking forward 20 years when I would be 73 – where would I be and what would my life be like? I felt I was at a crossroads. It excited me and scared me at the same time. I received a few birthday cards and flowers were delivered from Summer. She came by after work and we had a sweet visit and Amber sat by my bed that night and talked for nearly an hour.
Jesse took no notice of the day and never even wished me a happy birthday. He was good at withholding.
The next day I went to Fort Worth and spent the night with Mother. She took me out for a steak dinner – this meal broke my year of being a vegetarian. It was delicious! She frosted my hair and we had such a good time talking and catching up. Sometimes it’s a really good thing to be able to talk about things with a safe person. And Mother was that to me and I was grateful.
I spent the next night at Summer’s downtown apartment. She was going through a life changing situation and I was glad I could be there for her after all the years that I wasn’t.
While Jesse ignored my birthday, four days later he took me to Medieval Times – while still never acknowledging my birthday. I did not want to give him the satisfaction that my feelings were hurt so I just enjoyed the evening.
When we got home, Summer came over and she and I went to Grand Prairie to visit a friend. That turned into a wonderful adventure! Her friend’s husband had a motorcycle and at 3:00 in the morning of September 28th, I was cruising along the streets of Grand Prairie! It had been a long time since I had such good fun! What a lovely memory.
Since Summer was making a change and leaving a long-term relationship, she needed a place to stay. My dear friends, JW and Melba, offered her the use of their RV and took it out to Cedar Hill State Park and set it up for her. She bought a large tent to hold all her household things, clothes and some furniture.
I slept at home on the 29th and then Benjamin and I went to the State Park to stay with Summer on the 30th. It was good to NOT be home for awhile.
Monday, October 1st I woke up sick with a sinus infection and allergies – normal for me in October. I had the day to myself as Summer was at work. Even though I was sick I drove back to town and took Ben to Tae Kwon Do and Amber to the chiropractor before returning to the RV.
Jesse and I were avoiding each other as much as possible and that was good.
I loved the campsite – close enough to the lake with all sorts of intriguing night sounds and the delicious smells of fall. I sat at the picnic table writing some notes with Summer’s Coleman lantern lighting my pages and a small heater at my feet. I would need to bring a coat next time I went home. As I sat enjoying the night air, the silence and the total absence of tension and stress – it dawned on me that God had answered my prayers for an escape!
It was a beautiful place to be, with the luxury of a fully equipped RV and a bath house with good showers close by. I was thankful for the generosity of friends.
Every morning, I would go for a walk with butterflies floating all around me before going home to take Amber and Benjamin to the various places they needed to go – piano lessons for both, Ben to North Lake College, the pool for Amber and Tae Kwon Do for Ben. He and I would be back to the RV before 6:00 every evening.
Ben loved building a campfire and I would cook baked sweet potatoes in the ashes and he would grill hot dogs for him and Summer. I could have lived like this!
We took school books with us and studied in the evenings. I was still sick but managing to keep up with his lessons but by the middle of the week I lost my voice and croaked like an old lady. Benjamin could understand me but I tried not to talk much since my throat hurt so badly. Ben had to translate when I talked on the phone to Jesse.
I dropped Ben off at 12:30 the next day for Tae Kwon Do and went home for a couple of hours. My house was all torn up and I was sick in mind and heart and body. The den had a gaping hole in the ceiling from the chimney fire, the laundry room was a mess with sheet rock down in there, the kitchen flooring had been torn up and the living room had a three foot in diameter hole in the floor with all the furniture piled up with a piece of plywood covering the hole. All three bedrooms have mold issues; loose bricks on the front of the house and the stone needed repairs on the front porch. The back yard was a huge mess what with digging around the perimeter of the house. No jobs and no hopes of jobs and the money was running out. Everything was out of control and I could do nothing about any of it!
Jesse was hateful and argumentative and I couldn’t wait to get back to the State Park. I was exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally. I felt like a wounded animal and crawled into the girl bunk and stayed there.
The next morning, I was sicker than ever and stayed in bed most of the day. I felt so defeated and depressed. Summer arrived later that night with medicine for me. By Friday morning I was actually
feeling better! Ben and I did all of the school lessons at the picnic table and had a cozy campfire where Ben toasted marshmallows.
That evening we had a party of sorts. Summer, Amber, Benjamin, Jesse, Sabrina and her husband and son all came to the campsite for a cookout and Nuts card game.
While Summer and Sabrina were starting the food and the boys were building the campfire, Jesse and I went for a walk. The insurance situation was slowly being resolved and Jesse would do most of the work himself. I am feeling a little bit better about things. Sabrina’s son spent the night with us as he and Ben had really hit it off together and I was glad.
Saturday was a day all to myself. Only I remained at the campground and I was savoring every minute. My last full day and night here. I would go home the next day. The campground was full and the fragrance of all the cookouts filled the air. Happy sounds of laughter and games and talking drifted through the trees. I was going to miss this place.
Summer had bought me a newspaper and it was a luxurious treat to have coffee and reading the paper while she cooked us up a scrumptious breakfast! In the afternoon she and I did a good bit of cleaning and organizing. I packed up all the laundry and prepared to go home. I was putting on my real life like a dress. I purposed to clean and organize and repair my house…my life…and my marriage.
