Chapter 41
Fellowship church was a blessing for me. Every message seemed to be exactly what I needed to hear. "True character is what rises to the surface during crisis mode living." It seemed to me that the majority of my life had been spent in crisis mode.
I was finally coming to terms with the nature of Jesse's addiction. I knew it was pornography but until I installed a computer monitoring program called Spector, I had no real idea of just what Jesse was involved in. If installed in stealth mode, it is undetected. Basically, the program takes snapshots of what is on the computer screen and once I accessed the program, it was like watching a video recording of everything that Jesse had been looking at. I had no choice but to acknowledge to myself that Jesse was in a very dark and dangerous place in his life and I had to face the fact that it wasn't safe to have children in my home. I also realized my physical health was being compromised by his promiscuity. I developed some sensitive issues and was tested for possible STDs and infections. I had suffered from raging UTIs for years. I did not confront Jesse with this new knowledge for a while as I prayed and asked God for wisdom and guidance.
On Valentine's Day, Jesse had planned to take me to dinner until we had a big fight. I was learning to stand my ground and refuse to be bullied and this just made him angrier. We kept our distance from each other over the next week and then Jesse asked me out to dinner and a movie on March 21. I felt like it was time to have a serious conversation so I agreed and we went to Saltgrass Steakhouse. I was nervous but I knew we needed to get some things said and quit skirting around our issues.
As we were seated, I ordered a glass of wine, and after our meal, we began to talk. It started off okay, but as it often happened, it wasn't long before it turned ugly. I told Jesse about my STD diagnosis and he then accused me of giving the disease to him. I didn't cry or shut down, nor did I scream or attack him. I just told him what I had discovered of his activities and he did not deny a single thing.
I asked him to take me home and then I packed a bag and went over to Summer's apartment to spend the night. Summer was a real comfort to me. She popped some popcorn and put on the movie Steel Magnolias after we had visited awhile. She went on to bed and I stayed in the living room where I slept on the couch. I didn't get much sleep that night as I had a lot of things to think about.
The next seven days were important ones. I had some serious decisions to make. Stay with Jesse and hope for the best was one alterative, but I had been advised to get the children out of the house as soon as possible. That would mean I would lose my family. Amber was about to turn 18 and Benjamin was nearly 15. I had a grandson. For years my home had been a welcome place for neighborhood kids as well as Amber's swim mates and Benjamin's gaming friends.
I was scared as I had no way of supporting myself. But what kind of life would I have if I stayed in the marriage? None of my children were comfortable with their dad due to his anger and mistreatment towards them. I went for long walks every day and prayed and cried and prayed some more.
One day I was in so much emotional pain as I walked that I sat down on a curb and started sobbing. I didn't realize how loudly I was crying until someone came over and asked if I was okay. I pulled myself together and walked home, having finally making a firm decision.
I met with my counselor, Russ, at 11:00 on Wednesday, March 26. I was scared but decisions had been made in my mind, heart and will. I talked to Jesse after I got home and told him I would like for him to leave by Sunday. We talked a bit more trying to figure out what to do next. I never dreamed I would be divorcing Jesse and I mourned the loss of what could have been.
That evening, I cried all the way to my support group meeting while talking to Mother on the phone. She did her best to comfort and encourage me. The meeting helped me and I received a lot of support. Most of the other ladies in the group were still living with their husbands and I was the first to decide to separate and now to make it permanent.
After the meeting, I drove over to see my son and his wife and baby Samuel. The visit was therapy for my soul as I fed, bathed, played and read to him. By the time I had rocked him to sleep, I was calmer and felt so much better.
Jesse packed a bag and left the next afternoon. I put a movie on for Amber and Benjamin that evening and, while they were watching that, I packed up all Jesse's clothes except for his suits. It took less than two hours to get it all packed including his personal items. Jesse had no hobbies and didn't read but I was amazed at how little there was of him inside the house. Outside was a different story. All his tools and work equipment plus stone and masonry supplies would stay there until he found a place of his own. He would get things as needed until then.
The following day was a melancholy one. I babysat Samuel from 8:30-4:30 and that helped me. Amber and Benjamin had a huge argument. Domestic violence was the only thing I had yet to experience and we nearly had that. I talked to Jesse twice on the phone, briefly, and told him he could pick up his things when I wasn't at home. I attended the Saturday early service at Fellowship church and then drove over to Fort Worth to spend the night with Mother. My sister, Lanita and her husband, took Mother, her daughter Leah and me out to eat Mexican food. We went back to Lanita and Mike's house afterwards and visited. It made me feel better to spend some time with family.
Sunday morning Mother and I went to church with Lloydine and husband, Charlie, and afterwards, they treated us to lunch. Mother and I took naps at her house before I drove back to Irving in time for the Home Team meeting. Jesse had picked his things up and I talked to him once on the phone. We still had business things to discuss as I did the books, quarterly reports and payroll.
I felt shell-shocked and numb with my mind reeling out of control if I thought about things too much. I forced myself to concentrate on the things I needed to do. I love the phrase, 'Do the next right thing.' I had felt alone much of my life and now my inner feelings and life had matched up. Sometimes I got scared and sad and one night I went outside and pulled weeds at 11:00
My life was changing in every imaginable way. I started working as a temporary receptionist at the State Farm office where Summer had worked. The $50 a day was a blessing. I was taking life day by day and I felt as if I was stepping out on a sheer pane of glass, trusting God to hold me up. He had never failed me and I knew He never would, but I was still scared. The hope of my heart was that my family would find healing and peace.
Easter weekend arrived and I hosted a house full of friends and family on Saturday. Mother, Lonnie and his son, Amber and Benjamin's friends, and Jesse. He said, "I was wondering if you would invite me." It seemed unkind not to. I was sure Jesse didn't have a good time as he was in a mood and stayed at the edge of the group. Navigating what I knew would be a permanent separation was uncharted territory for me. I had loads of good food and we all went to the Saturday afternoon Easter service at Fellowship church. Jesse left after church and by 7:00 the house was empty.
Easter Sunday morning I was up early to bake a cake. Summer rode with Benjamin, Amber and me to Fort Worth. Lloydine and Charlie hosted Easter dinner and we had a good visit. All of my family were very supportive of me and this gave me a great deal of encouragement. Later in the day, Amber drove us over to visit with son Jesse and his family. Jesse called me wanting to know where the kids were as he went to the house and no one was home.
April 26 was our 40-year wedding anniversary. The only one we celebrated was the 25th one and that's because Summer and Jesse, Jr gave us a party. I was seven months pregnant with Amber at the time. He couldn't ignore that anniversary although he didn't remember any of the others. Perhaps he did remember, just chose to ignore them.
That was still a special day as Summer took me to the Peter Max Gallery after which we met Jesse and his wife at Marty's Wine Shop on Lemmon Avenue in Dallas for lunch and a cheese and wine tasting. Summer went on to Galveston while the rest of us attended the South Lake Arts Fair. It was all such a relaxing and lovely day and evening.
Life was sorting itself out little by little but I still had no real idea of how to handle things. I had been so co-dependent for so long that it still confused me that I could set boundaries and did I even have the right to do that? I continued to cry every day and some days were worse than others. Summer called my doctor and told her what was going on and she called in a prescription for antidepressants.
The next time Benjamin and I were in church together, he reached over and took my hand and said, "Mom, the medicine is working because you're not crying." I continued my normal life as in teaching art classes on Tuesday nights and preparing homeschool lessons, keeping house, doing yard work and staying busy. Jesse was in and out of the house picking up tools and supplies for work. I had changed the locks so he didn’t come in now. Life was still sticky at times.
Benjamin had his piano recital the next Saturday morning and Mother and Jesse were both there. Jesse refused to speak to Mother and was rude to me. After the recital he apologized. We all went back to the house - Mother, Benjamin, Jesse and me - and we had meatloaf sandwiches. I was so confused as how to deal with our current situation. Include Jesse or not? I struggled with every situation.
But the bottom line for me was that being alone wasn't bad at all. Actually, it was a blessed relief and I found myself enjoying life again.
Jesse continued to call me, usually in the morning. Mornings were hard for him. He would cry and it hurt my heart. Then he would get angry and blamed me and then admit it was the cancer of his addiction. I continued to get confused when dealing with him. The cycle just kept repeating itself. Then he would bring movies, pizzas and movies, and Cokes and spend a Friday with us like nothing had happened.
I spent Mother's Day with my mother and son Jesse and his wife in Fort Worth. I was grateful for my family and the comfort they gave me as I was trying to figure out how live on my own. Mother was my safe person and I could talk to her about what I was dealing with and she always made time to listen to me. Summer was another great comfort to me as were Amber and Benjamin. Dealing with a major life change is difficult and it was good that we all stood together in unity.
I was amazed at how much fun life can be when you cut out the drama and trauma. For Memorial Day we had a great big party with over twenty people all laughing, eating, playing games and visiting. All four of my children were there and many of their friends. So, this was how life could be! I had not included Jesse.
Jesse had been in denial about the divorce and I had to straight out tell him he would not be coming home. He seemed to think this was another temporary separation. Once he accepted the fact that we were going to get a divorce, he turned really hateful and ugly. He called me one afternoon and was screaming at me and when I hung up on him, he came over and continued his accusations and insults. I tried to slap him and only managed to knock his glasses off. He in turn slapped me hard. So hard I fell down on the driveway and was seeing stars. Amber called 911 and I filed an assault charge on Jesse. I still had the bright handprint on my face. Mother, Lonnie and his son came over and we were all upset. To make matters worse, Jesse told the police that I had hit him first so he wanted to charge me with assault. What a mess.
I had long planned on taking Amber to Hawaii for her 18th birthday in June and that's exactly what I did. I used flight miles for our airfare and we were very frugal with our expenses but we had a great time. I had made all the arrangements ahead of time and could barely believe it was actually happening. We loved everything about traveling. It had been a good ten years since we had been to Hawaii on a family vacation. The long flight gave me plenty of time to think and pray about things. I needed clarity and a plan. I was not in good health and needed a total hysterectomy before I would be able to get a job. Plus, my feet were crippled up with arthritis and would require surgery. I laid all this out before the Lord and prayed that God would make a way where there seemed to be no way. It would take a string of miracles but I felt a calm and a peace that He would provide everything I needed.
For the next five days I relaxed and enjoyed my time with Amber. Summer was staying at the house with Benjamin so I had no worries about him. Jesse would be taking him on a Caribbean cruise later in the summer.
We went to the beach every day and shopped the ABC stores, went to the movies to see Matrix Reloaded, took a sunset dinner cruise, and Amber got her belly button pierced. It was a blessing to be in this beautiful tropical place and I felt my mind and body relax. We left the beach on Monday morning and arrived home at 5:15 the following morning.
We were back home and I was rested and ready to do whatever I needed to do, trusting that God would lead me step by step.
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