Chapter 22
I had always taken motherhood seriously and believe it to be an honor and blessing of God. I was a broken and emotionally damaged person and yet motherhood saved my life. I wanted so badly for my children to have happy memories of their growing up years. Alas, they grew up every bit as broken and damaged as Jesse and I were.
When I looked around at the other parents and their children, my heart would condemn me that I wasn’t doing enough to be a good mother. I loved my children desperately and yet we were still a severely dysfunctional family. There was a Ladies Bible Conference in Chattanooga, Tennessee in the spring of 1979 and I was one of the first to sign up. Surely, I would gain wisdom and learn how to be a better mother at this Sword of the Lord conference – The Call to Motherhood.
Two other ladies were going and, since I had a nearly brand new to me 1976 Cutlass Oldsmobile, I volunteered to use my car while a lady named Betty offered to drive. That suited me perfectly. I was up before dawn and drove over to pick up Betty, only realizing that I knew the name of her street but I forgot the address number! I had been there once before but I could not remember which house was hers. So, I drove slowly up and down the block honking my horn a few times. Now, mind you, this was about 6:00 in the morning. But, sure enough, out the front door came my friend! We picked up the other lady named Carolyn, and were on our way!
It was a good drive and we bonded more with every mile. We stayed in the home of our pastor’s wife’s parents and she treated us to delicious meals which she called ladies food. For three days we attended the conference together and talked about our lives and how to incorporate what we were learning into them.
Betty was the lady who did all the driving and, as it turned out, she had actually met my stepfather, Clayton. Betty called her husband Cowboy and he had been a bit of a gambler in his younger days and had been a regular on the pool hall gambling circuit of which Clayton was also a part of at the time. Betty felt called to the nursery ministry at Crestview and was already involved there. However, the conference further inspired her to continue that commitment.
Carolyn and Betty had been best friends for many years. Carolyn was recently widowed and had two wayward daughters, both in the Lester Roloff Home for Children in Corpus Christi, Texas. In time to come, I took her down to the home where we stayed a few days so she could visit her daughters.
I was deeply convicted of the need to be a better mother and felt a very real desire to have more children. I will go so far as to say I felt a calling from God.
When I returned home, I told Jesse about my desire to have more children and he agreed. I had become pregnant the second or third time we had sex when I was 14 and then it took just a month or two to become pregnant when we decided to have another baby when I was 17. So, it was a surprise and disappointment when I didn’t get pregnant right away.
Brother John and his wife had one daughter when they came to Crestview to serve as youth pastor and they had another little girl not too long after. Jesse and I both loved that family and we often took care of the baby. When they had a third daughter and decided to go on a missionary tour, we volunteered to keep the very young infant while they traveled. It was odd how much Jesse seemed to love these little ones. He didn’t act anywhere nearly as sweet to his own children but he would do anything for those little girls.
We took the children into our hearts and our lives and our family. The family traveled during the summer doing missionary work and their older two daughters were old enough to go with them, but the baby was still a newborn so she stayed at our house for weeks at a time. Both Jesse and I wanted another child of our own, but we loved taking care of that precious baby.
At Easter and Christmas and holidays we would buy all three girls pretty dresses and toys and they were like family to us. One day, when the mother came to pick up her daughter, she clung to me and didn’t want to go. That one moment changed everything. I realized this was not a healthy situation and I could not continue taking care of them like I’d been doing. I talked things over with the parents and they decided to end their missionary tours and stay in town, picking up the reins of serving fulltime at Crestview.
It was now 1983 and even though I had been trying for three years, I was unable to conceive.
When I looked around at the other parents and their children, my heart would condemn me that I wasn’t doing enough to be a good mother. I loved my children desperately and yet we were still a severely dysfunctional family. There was a Ladies Bible Conference in Chattanooga, Tennessee in the spring of 1979 and I was one of the first to sign up. Surely, I would gain wisdom and learn how to be a better mother at this Sword of the Lord conference – The Call to Motherhood.
Two other ladies were going and, since I had a nearly brand new to me 1976 Cutlass Oldsmobile, I volunteered to use my car while a lady named Betty offered to drive. That suited me perfectly. I was up before dawn and drove over to pick up Betty, only realizing that I knew the name of her street but I forgot the address number! I had been there once before but I could not remember which house was hers. So, I drove slowly up and down the block honking my horn a few times. Now, mind you, this was about 6:00 in the morning. But, sure enough, out the front door came my friend! We picked up the other lady named Carolyn, and were on our way!
It was a good drive and we bonded more with every mile. We stayed in the home of our pastor’s wife’s parents and she treated us to delicious meals which she called ladies food. For three days we attended the conference together and talked about our lives and how to incorporate what we were learning into them.
Betty was the lady who did all the driving and, as it turned out, she had actually met my stepfather, Clayton. Betty called her husband Cowboy and he had been a bit of a gambler in his younger days and had been a regular on the pool hall gambling circuit of which Clayton was also a part of at the time. Betty felt called to the nursery ministry at Crestview and was already involved there. However, the conference further inspired her to continue that commitment.
Carolyn and Betty had been best friends for many years. Carolyn was recently widowed and had two wayward daughters, both in the Lester Roloff Home for Children in Corpus Christi, Texas. In time to come, I took her down to the home where we stayed a few days so she could visit her daughters.
I was deeply convicted of the need to be a better mother and felt a very real desire to have more children. I will go so far as to say I felt a calling from God.
When I returned home, I told Jesse about my desire to have more children and he agreed. I had become pregnant the second or third time we had sex when I was 14 and then it took just a month or two to become pregnant when we decided to have another baby when I was 17. So, it was a surprise and disappointment when I didn’t get pregnant right away.
Brother John and his wife had one daughter when they came to Crestview to serve as youth pastor and they had another little girl not too long after. Jesse and I both loved that family and we often took care of the baby. When they had a third daughter and decided to go on a missionary tour, we volunteered to keep the very young infant while they traveled. It was odd how much Jesse seemed to love these little ones. He didn’t act anywhere nearly as sweet to his own children but he would do anything for those little girls.
We took the children into our hearts and our lives and our family. The family traveled during the summer doing missionary work and their older two daughters were old enough to go with them, but the baby was still a newborn so she stayed at our house for weeks at a time. Both Jesse and I wanted another child of our own, but we loved taking care of that precious baby.
At Easter and Christmas and holidays we would buy all three girls pretty dresses and toys and they were like family to us. One day, when the mother came to pick up her daughter, she clung to me and didn’t want to go. That one moment changed everything. I realized this was not a healthy situation and I could not continue taking care of them like I’d been doing. I talked things over with the parents and they decided to end their missionary tours and stay in town, picking up the reins of serving fulltime at Crestview.
It was now 1983 and even though I had been trying for three years, I was unable to conceive.
