Children in the Closet.... Chapter 34

Chapter 34

     Jesse had been out of work for weeks now and he spent his days working in the yard while I worked in the house. We had not had health insurance for most of our lives – neither as children growing up nor as adults with our own children. Thankfully we were not accident prone or sick so any emergency that popped up, we simply paid for out of pocket. I continued to have ongoing UTIs that were awful and recently had some other issues of a female nature, so I applied for health insurance. Sadly, they accepted Jesse and the children but not me.

I remembered the old saying – If you HAVE a need, FILL a need. So, I scheduled another urinalysis and afterwards I saw the sign in the doctor’s office saying they were in great need of blood donors and I decided to do it! I barely met the weight requirements but all went well. Or so I thought at the time.

I picked Benjamin up from home and Amber from the pool and we went to Wendy’s for lunch.

We ordered and while waiting for our food, I went into medical shock. It was scary! They tell me I had seizures and my eyes rolled back and my hands curled up and Benjamin later said he thought I was going to bite him!

Amber screamed for someone to call 911 and the fire department arrived as I was having another seizure. They couldn’t find my pulse and couldn’t measure my blood pressure. As I came to, the paramedics tried to take me to the ER but I refused – no insurance. One of the firemen had been at my house when I had the chimney fire.  He got me to drink something and kept talking to me. I was still extremely shaky but the seizures had stopped; I looked up at him and said, “We had got to stop meeting like this!” That lightened the moment and then Jesse arrived!

His reaction to anything at all seemed to be anger and this was no exception. He yelled at me and I started crying and then Amber yelled at him for yelling at me and we made quite a scene. Not one word of comfort from Jesse to any of us. Amber managed to take charge – at 16 years of age. She told him to quit yelling and take us home and he miraculously responded by doing what she said. She didn’t have her drivers license yet or she would have taken us home herself and told him to just leave.

Now I was freezing cold and shaking all over so as soon as we got home, I went straight to bed. Not another word from Jesse. He went outside and I didn’t even see him again at all that day or even the next. He slept in the den and kept to himself. 

Amber made sure I had plenty to drink so I could rehydrate myself and Summer came over to check on me, as well. 

We were to leave the next day for College Station. Summer took some time off and insisted on going with us and she would drive the van. I was really in no shape so I was grateful.

At 6:00 the next morning we were backing out of the driveway and on our way. Once we were in College Station, we dropped Amber off at the pool and Summer and I both took naps in the van while Amber was swimming. After a late lunch at Red Lobster, we checked into the hotel and Summer took me to buy groceries for the team. I was still the team mom and I appreciated having Summer there to help me.

I was feeling better but realized I needed to get rest while I could. The rest of the team were to arrive later that night so we went to bed early.

It was a blessing to have Summer there with me for that competition as I continued to be weak and shaky for a few days. So happy to be reunited again with my daughter.

We arrived in College Station on Wednesday and left for home on Sunday having already made plans for the next meet – in San Antonio the following week as well as the US Open later in Hawaii. 

Summer drove us to Washington on the Brazos and on to tour a bit of Austin, our state capitol, and we ate at the cutest little restaurant there – the Kelly Lane Café.

It was nearly midnight when we got home having driven through stormy weather with lots of lightning and some rain. The closer we got to home the more I tensed up. I dreaded returning to the same situation and the only phone conversations Jesse and I had while I was gone were not good ones.

Although it was I who had the near-death experience, he was the one who was mad. We dropped Summer off at her apartment and Amber and I unloaded our suitcases and overnight things and would wait until the next day to unload all the rest of the stuff.

Jesse was home and still up in the den but did not greet us at the door, or even acknowledge our presence.  Not a word. It was like we were invisible. Amber went on to bed and so did I. Jesse slept in the den. 

Monday was an awful day. There was an awful ugly scene between us and Benjamin heard 

everything and was upset. Jesse was vicious and mean – more so than usual. I was so upset that I called our pastor and made an appointment for that afternoon. I was there for two hours and he was of no help.

I had not expected him to be as he believed the man was the head of the home and all I could do was follow him – biblically. I lost all hope in our marriage having a happy ending and found comfort in the fact that at least I had my daughter back. Jesse continued to sleep in the den. He seldom spoke to me and acted as if I were not there at all.

The next day proved to be more routine. I slept well and had coffee and quiet time outside the bedroom door on the patio – my favorite place to be. Birds were singing and squirrels were playing and I thought this must be God’s music to my ears. Summer came by to pick up her car and I basked in the glow of having her back in my life. The song that kept coming to my mind was Lord, I Hope This Day is Good.

And so it was. I made our reservations for the swim meet in Hawaii and went by the AAA office to get maps and such both for the upcoming San Antonio meet as well as for Hawaii. I went by the pool and unloaded all the hospitality stuff and then stayed to watch the team practice. Tuesdays and Thursdays were my favorite days of the week. At the pool I felt like I escaped from my ‘normal’ life and I could concentrate on the team and my part of the organization and forget for a time the stress and drama of home. Another mother had volunteered to be Team Mom and I felt a sense of relief. I gave her the money for Amber’s portion and looked forward to attending a meet where all I had to do was watch.

Amber brought two other team members home with us and I fed them sandwiches as they watched the recordings I had filmed at practice. For a treat I made them peach and mulberry cobbler for dessert. I took great joy in being involved with the Pirouettes of Texas. Funny no matter how distressed we can be over some areas of our lives – God always sends us a place of joy and I was grateful to have this to escape to.

Mother arrived the next morning and she was another source of blessing for me. Mother and I took Amber and Benjamin to music lessons and we visited in the van and had a good conversation. I told her that I am now looking at life the way it really is instead of the way I want it to be. I think this was a huge turning point for me and I appreciated her encouragement. This was a new thing for me. I had a long history of denial and survival. And the denial necessitated the survival. Things were changing and I was changing and it was scary.

We did a bit of shopping after their piano lessons and met up with Summer for lunch at a BBQ place. Mother went home and we did homeschool while Jesse went to church that evening. Things seemed to be going a little smoother everywhere. It’s amazing the mixed bag of good and bad, happiness and sorrow that Life gives us.

Packing the next day for San Antonio! Jesse washed the van for me and even took Amber to the pool for practice. Jesse and I met at Applebee’s for dinner and actually had a nice time. I think it would have been easier if things were bad – that they stayed bad – instead of having hopeful times and then the trauma and drama that seemed always to follow.

Bed was at midnight and I was sick to my stomach in the early hours of Friday. These swim meets were all running together but I was thankful to not be the one in charge at this one!

I was up at 4:30 Friday morning for a few minutes of prayer and quiet time. Amber and I headed south and stopped in West, Texas for cinnamon rolls and in San Marcus for some shopping. Arrived in San Antonio and checked into the hotel before going to the airport to pick up the coaches. Dropped them at the hotel and then had to turn around and go back to pick up some of the swimmers who arrived on a later flight! It was only Amber and I sharing a room this time and that was nice.

Saturday morning Summer flew up and a sister swim mom, Jean, picked her up at the airport. It was a long day at the pool and it was good to have Summer with us.

Sunday was Mother’s Day – and we were at a swim meet as we were nearly every year. I slept in and Summer and Jean made the van hauls taking the girls to the pool. I woke up to a Skinny Vanilla Latte, York mints, a fresh fruit bowl and a yellow rose. All that and a Mother’s Day card from Amber and all the swimmers signed it and they even wrote personal messages to me! Such a gift!

The meet finished well and we were on our way home by way of Austin and a few stops for lunch at Kirby Lane and then homebound! We were all sleepy and tired and Summer and I traded places driving arriving home at 11:00 that night!

Another PTX meet done and DONE! 

I was so bone-weary Monday morning but it was a much better day than last Monday! We schooled and did our normal routine while Jesse was gone all day checking on jobs. The days were easier when he was gone and he didn’t get home until 7:30 that evening but he brought watermelon and cantaloupe and dinner from ‘Mother’s Cooking.’ Jesse seemed to be trying hard and, once again, I was cautiously optimistic.

Tuesdays were my art days and that was a comfort to me. My ladies would come and we would paint and visit and I fixed snacks and fancy teas or coffee. Art was an oasis for me and my friends and the smell of turpentine and oils filled me with such a sense of peace and ‘normalcy.’ Class was from 7:00-9:00 at which time we would stop and clean up the table. 

Later that night Jesse came to me and asked if we could do our ‘books.’ We were reading different marriage counseling books and trying to find our way together inside our marriage. He chose a book titled ‘We Need to Talk’ by Linda Mintle. How to Successfully Navigate Conflict was the subject.

I read aloud the first chapter. Step by step we went. He feels rejected and I feel threatened. I still had little hope for a fundamental change in our marriage but at least I was able to cope again.

After our ‘talks’ I was always a basket case. Tired, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. I was beginning to think the sheer stress was going to kill me. Stress and still recovering from my near-death experience while continuing to home school and continue in the demands and schedule of life was taking every ounce of energy I had.

But little by little, I felt my life shifting bit by bit…