Three days alone were enough for me and I was
happy to have Amber and Benjamin back home! We resumed our homeschooling, piano
lessons, synchronized swimming, Tae Kwon Do and weekly horse lessons. Amber
often taught my Sunday School class and the kids loved her.
My life was full, however, the New Year brought a diagnosis of breast cancer to my dear friend and sister homeschool teacher, Melba. She was raising her granddaughter, Kendra, who was the same age of Amber. We took Melba to her appointments and was in the waiting room praying for her when she had her surgery. Throughout 1999 we were with her during her chemo treatments and, instead of it being depressing, we all laughed and talked in the lab and joked about things and generally had a good time.
Amber had her first National swim meet in early February and we flew into Dulles airport and rented a van for me to drive with the eight swimmers on board while my friend, Martha, rented a car to transport the coaches.
Once
we got all our luggage, the girls were hungry and I set out to find a place to
eat. Washington D C can be scary. We were close to the White House and yet,
just a couple of blocks away it was ghetto! I found a Wendy’s but Coach Megan
didn’t think the area was safe enough for 8 girls. Finally, we spied a kiosk
selling hot dogs and pretzels! The van had sliding doors on both sides and when
I parked at the curb – 8 girls dressed in their PTX sweats and red parkas
swarmed out!
I
loved being Team Mom and buying all the girls’ favorite foods, getting them to
the pool on time, and cheering them on!
As
team mom, I would figure out the per diam for each day for food, lodging, car
rental, fuel, etc. plus I made the airline reservations so we would all travel
together. I divided it between the girls and would buy groceries for the week
and feed them sandwiches, fruit and snacks at the pool and breakfast and
dinner. I would get them all settled in the rooms where they could land drill
and I went off to the grocery store. By the end of the meet, we would go to a
nice restaurant and I would tell them they could order anything their hearts
desire – because I was frugal there was always enough money left for one
special meal.
Once
I had dropped the girls and coaches off at the airport, Amber and I would stay
another couple of days on our own. Martha, and her daughter did the same thing
and we were to meet up at a European style hotel in downtown Washington, DC.
I am
amazed that I was able to find places as this was before all the direction apps
we have now. I got lost more than once and at one point we stopped at a gas
station to use the bathroom – and there were homeless people living in it!
It
took me three hours to find the hotel! By God’s good grace – I pulled right up
in a parking space at the curb smack dab in front of the hotel! Amber and I
staggered out of the car with sweatshirts hanging around our necks and was
getting our bags out of the trunk when the doorman came out and took them from
us! We made quite and entrance. I checked us in and we were taken up in an open
caged European elevator. I was exhausted and called Martha, who had arrived a
long time before we did, and told her we would not be able to go sight seeing
with them the next day as it would take me all day just to get back to Dulles
airport!
Martha
was a world traveler and she arranged for me to return my rental car at Regan
airport later that evening and we had a really good time seeing lots of
historical places the next day before flying home!
Life
stayed busy for us all winter with 4-H Club meetings, Camp El Har horse riding
club, homeschooling and another local synchro meet. Mother stayed overnight to
help me prepare for that as I had the ribbons to fill out and roses to prepare
for the prizes plus, she helped with writing down the scores and assisting me
with the ribbon ceremony and I was grateful for her help.
We
took a family ski trip in late February to Winter Park and that was a lot of
fun. Jesse was a different person on vacation – most of the time. He was an
excellent skier and taught Amber and Benjamin and they took right to it. I, on
the other hand, skied slowly and in control.
We
had 3 great ski days and, in the evenings, we would go to a wonderful book
store – Off the Beaten Path – which is still open 25+ years later. We ate and
read books and relaxed with no stress or tension. Oh, how I wish it could be
that way at home.
These
were some of the busiest days of my life. Our swim club, The Pirouettes of
Texas, hosted a Zone Meet in March and, once again, Mother was right there
helping. Amber had another meet out in California in late March and Jesse took
Benjamin on a ski trip – just the two of them.
The
days and weeks flew past and all of a sudden it was Easter! We had a guest
speaker, Gene Wolfenbarger, for our Easter Sunday service and he reminded me so
much of Jesse, Jr. He started his message off by talking about how he was a
mama’s boy and how much he loves his mama! Made me tear up and grieve over not
having my son in my life. I hung on his every word and could not take my eyes
off of him. It was like ‘seeing’ my son again. I listened so intently that
after the service, Gene came up and told me what a good listener I was and how
it had encouraged him during his sermon.
At
that time, he was a traveling evangelist and Jesse bought all of his books and
tapes. I was grateful he did and I prayed for God to restore my relationship
with Jr. Holidays were exceptionally hard for me during the time of
estrangement but God is good and always provides people to minister to our
hearts and give us hope.
In
May we received news that Sharon, our baby sister who had supposedly been
kidnapped at six weeks old, had been searching for her birth mother and found
her! She had been in communication with Mother and said she was living in
Alabama. Plans were in the making for her to visit all of us.
It
was Friday, August 27th when I met my baby sister for the first time
in 41 years. She is married to a wonderful man named Jerry and they came over
for dinner along with Mother and Aunt Irene.
I
prepared a company meal of pot roast, green bean casserole, cream cheese corn,
salad, and a strawberry trifle for dessert along with gourmet coffees and
herbal teas. Jesse was a perfect host and a great help to me. Amber and
Benjmain played the piano for us and we showed them videos of Amber’s synchro
solos. We sat around and talked and caught up on what all had happened through
the years. It was a lovely visit and because it was, I was totally unprepared
for what happened the next day.
Mother
had planned a family reunion for Shari – she prefers that to Sharon – on
Saturday and, even though I had been estranged from my other siblings and had
not been to Fort Worth in some time, I told Jesse I was going to be there for
the dinner at 1:00. I had hoped to have his support since he had been so good
about hosting them on Friday – but he wasn’t happy about and said I shouldn't
go. He was angry but I went anyway.
It
was hard but I was glad I did. Summer and Jesse, Jr were both there and five of
Mother’s six children. I felt some deep feelings of rejection and felt like I
didn’t fit in and never would. I had no appetite at lunch and was quiet, not
joining into much of the conversation. Shari told us about her life and it was even
worse than our childhood. She was gracious and loving towards Mother and all of
us as well as Mother appeared happy to be reunited again. At that time,
everyone believed that Shari had been abducted and taken to California. Her
‘keepers’ were not well mentally and she was abused and left homeless at a
young age.
It
was a miracle only God could have done that she turned out to be such a fine
lady. She was a RN and later a Nurse Educator.
I did
talk to Summer and Jesse, Jr. and assured them that I love them and that my
life is never simple for me but intricate and complicated. I was so weary of
all the emotional upheaval and drama and trauma. Life should not be that hard!
I
left about 4:00 to meet Jesse, Amber and Benjamin at Cheddar’s restaurant
before they went to see Monty Roberts who is known as the Horse Whisperer.
Jesse was furious when I told him Summer and Jesse, Jr. were there and he went
into a real temper tantrum and threatened not to take the kids to see Monty
Roberts. This time I fought back and insisted he keep his promise to them. They
went on to the event and I went home, so upset and emotional that I felt sick.
I
changed shoes and went for a walk, praying and crying all the way. Showered and
turned on the TV, set up the ironing board and ironed 13 of Jesse’s shirts
before going to bed to read. I was asleep by the time they came home.
The
next morning, we all went to church like the normal family everyone thought we
were. I was feeling fragile and Amber taught the full Sunday School class and
was a wonderful teacher. I left the church as soon as the service was over and
ate a salad and went to bed until late afternoon. I was totally exhausted
mentally, physically and spiritually. When I woke up, the others had already
gone to church and I went for a walk. Walking was good therapy for me but that
night my mind was so troubled that it didn’t help me.
Benjamin
came home from church with a stomachache and Amber was not feeling well. The
kids were more affected by all the stress and tension between Jesse and me than
I realized. Jesse kept to himself in the den and we gathered in Benjamin’s room
and read the Bible and a chapter from the Old Squire’s Farm by C.A. Stephens
before we relaxed enough to go to bed.
No
matter what kind of complicated trauma and drama we have to deal with – life
simply goes on. Jesse and I skirted around one another for a couple of days
before we met for coffee together at IHOP. That’s what he likes to do – meet
for coffee and talk. I dread it because light conversation can suddenly turn
into painful, cruel and defeating words. ‘Talking’ was dangerous for me and
seldom ever turned out well. Normal life should not be this hard.
Apparently,
Jesse had a change of heart and bought a card for Summer and one for Jr. Both
were good cards and I was hopeful for the first time in a long time. That
weekend we even rented a movie to watch and spent some time on Saturday going
out to lunch and doing some shopping together as a family. Jesse and I went to
the mall – one of his favorite places to go – and things seemed to be better
between us.
Sunday
night he and I watched a movie together Message in a Bottle. I had let my guard
down and relaxed some when the night turned ugly. Pleasant conversation turned
heavy and I felt so defeated. I can't win for losing – time and time again.
Life can be so weary.
September
24th, I turned 51 years oof age. It was a Friday and at 7:30 that
morning Jesse and the kids greeted me with coffee and muffins in bed along with
cards and gifts. I’d been married 36 years now and was still trying to survive
and cope with life as I knew it. I found joy where I can and tried to avoid
conflict when possible. It wasn't easy. I was determined to think of all the
good things in my life and not the things that broke my heart.
The
holidays were much as they had been the year before. We hosted a large Pumpkin
Party for Halloween and at Thanksgiving we received cards from Summer and
Jesse, Jr. with separate ones to Amber and Benjamin. Christmas was quiet and I
tried not to be depressed because Summer and Jesse, Jr. couldn’t be there. It’s
hard not to be bitter at Jesse for not allowing our two grown children to be
here.
It’s not their choice to be estranged from us and it’s
not my choice, either.
I’m
trusted God that it would not always be this way.
