Chapter 33
It started snowing as church services were ending on New Year’s Eve 2001. The first thing we did when we woke up on New Year’s Day was to go outside and gather a huge bowl of freshly fallen snow and made ice cream. I mixed the snow with a can of sweetened condensed milk and a splash of vanilla extract and – like magic – we had ice cream! Benjamin was especially excited about it and I do believe watching him grow up was my biggest comfort and joy. He was 13 years old and such a blessing to me.
I was determined to keep my focus on him and his education and try not to think about the underlying problems in my life. Amber was about to start college and I needed to think about them instead of myself.
My relationship with Jesse was strained and I was determined to accept the way things were instead of wishing life was different for me.
Vacations were nearly always better than life at home and our January ski trip to Durango, Colorado was no exception. Alas, as soon as we got home, Jesse was back to the computer where he would spend hours and hours.
Amber’s first day of college was January 17th at Northlake in English 1301. I took her and had planned to drop her off not thinking she would want me to come in with her – but she did. I not only walked her to the classroom but waited with her and the other students for a few minutes before the first class dismissed and they went in.
Once she was in the classroom, I went outside and walked the trail around the lake praising God.
Navigating the process for her going to college at the age of 15 will always be one of my most treasured accomplishments!
I remained actively involved not only in our home school association but in the Pirouettes of Texas Synchronized Swimming team as well. I filled my days with housework, sewing, and art and teaching a weekly oil painting class in my dining room.
One Tuesday when I was working on a painting before the class arrived, Amber said to me, “You’re as comfortable with a brush in your hand as I am with goggles on my head!”
Amber had music lessons, riding lessons, college classes, swim practice, and an after-school job at a Christian School. Benjamin had home school, music lessons, riding lessons and his Tae Kwon Do classes as well as his lawn service jobs he did in the spring, summer and fall.
We three stayed busy while Jesse had lost interest in his business and seemed content to live on our savings instead of looking for new stone mason work. More nights than not he was up until 2:00-3:00 in the mornings huddled in front of the computer.
It’s hard to keep a good attitude when you allow even a sliver of bitterness into your spirit.
It was early February and one thing after another was happening…. the kitchen sink was stopped up, the dishwasher overflowed, when I went to get my Valentine decorations out – I found that rats had chewed it all up, I hate roaches and now they are in the house, and Jesse bought me a ‘bouquet’ of flowers – a flat of winter bedding plants and where I was to plant them.
I went to bed with a scripture on my mind – “Let no man fail of the grace of God – lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you and thereby many may be defiled.” Too late.
Jesse stayed up all night on the computer – watching porn. I had left my easel propped up on the dining room table with my current project on it. I got up to see what he was doing and was shielded by the canvas so Jesse didn’t see me. But I had a clear view of what he was watching.
It’s no wonder I woke up the next morning with a terrible headache and a heavy heart. For the next 10 days Jesse was up all night on the computer.
Life goes on no matter what is happening or how your world is shifting. I dropped Coach Megan off at the airport and shopped Goodwill on my way home. Picked up prescriptions at Walgreens and dropped Amber off at the pool around 12:30. Funny that no matter how desperate you feel and overwhelmed by what you know, that you still need to make dinner and arrive at appointments and do all the mundane things one does in a day. All with a heavy weight in one’s spirit.
Amber continued to do well in college and made an A in her first essay. She’d always loved writing and had been writing an essay a day ever since she was 8-years- old.
Even in dark days, God sent lighter moments as when Mother arrived to frost my hair and I took Amber and Benjamin to their piano lessons. You just keep moving forward one step at a time.
On February 19th Doug and Reaoma stopped in for a visit. They were our neighbors for 17 years and loved us like family. We had coffee and they took Amber to her college class after our visit. I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted and went to bed with a terrible headache and neckache and reeking of Bengay! I stayed there all day and night.
By March we were preparing for the Zone meeting of Synchronized swimming! I was the team mom and headed up the meet in arranging accommodations and setting up the pool area with beautiful plants from a local nursery – free to borrow and return after the meet. Then the hospitality meals and snacks and water for the coaches who were to do scoring. It was a lot of work but I loved every minute.
The swimmers, coaches and all involved with hosting this meet were excited and full of energy!
Day 1 was Friday, March 9th, and I arrived at the pool at 6:15 in the morning and left at 9:00 that night. The meet went on through the weekend and Mother, Summer, Jesse, Jr and his wife all came to support Amber. Jesse made a brief appearance.
Sunday was the finals and we had the awards ceremony and had packed things away when violent weather moved into the area! Perfect timing.
The meet was over and I was already preparing for the next one – a ‘figures’ meet on the 24th.
This one was a local competition in which each swimmer received scores for specific moves/figures. The girls were in age groups and I was one of the judges for the 10-Unders. Though I had attended the training classes, I was not really judging material. While I loved everything else about Synchronized Swimming – being a judge wasn’t something I could do.
From February through July is the busiest time with local, regional, Jr national and national competitions. Next up was Jr. Nationals in Minnesota.
As team mom, I am in charge of the flight reservations, reserving our rooms at the host hotel – the team hosting chooses the hotel -and renting a van for me to drive the girls around and a car for the coaches. We flew out on Wednesday, April 4th and once I had the vehicles rented, checked us all into the host hotel -the Raddison- in downtown Minneapolis and got everyone situated, I shopped for groceries.
Each girl gives me a list of what they would like to have – focusing on fresh fruits, vegetables and protein items. I figure out the price of feeding each swimmer, including meals out, and divide it up so each swimmer’s parents pay their peridium.
It was late at night when I left the hotel and looked for a grocery store. Unfortunately, there was not a large chain store in every neighborhood like there is at home and I ended up perilously close to the Canadian border!! God must have sent an angel to sit on my shoulder because I finally find my way back and spotted a mom-and-pop type of grocery store. Once I had the food, I parked in the garage at the hotel and organized everything – taking things out of the packaging and putting them in zip lock bags, washing the fruits and vegetables and icing down the water. I had an ice chest on wheels and sturdy bags to transport food and drinks from the hotel to the pool and back again. I had this down to a science!
The first day went smoothly and that evening I went back to the same grocery store – this time without getting lost! It was really cold and we all wore our big bright red team parkas.
As the meet finished, we were disappointed not to have scored better but the girls did get some experiences from it. Two of our swimmers did an outstanding job and Amber and her duet partner qualified for an elite clinic in the fall. To celebrate I took the girls out to dinner at the Olive Garden and told them they could order anything their heart desired! Because I was frugal and saved so much money buying groceries to feed the girls instead of fast foods – we had enough money in the food budget to have a real celebration and even sent each one home with their share of the leftover cash.
We were to fly out on Sunday afternoon and the girls wanted to go to the Mall of America for a couple of hours and so we did. It was still winter up north so it was good to get home and see all the green grass and fresh flowers growing and smell the roses.
The next week we returned to our ‘normal’ life – home school for Benjamin and college classes for Amber. Synchro on Tuesday and Thursday evenings and Saturday morning for Amber and Tae Kwon Do on Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoons for Benjamin along with piano lessons once a week.
Our lives were very busy and I pushed myself and my children to the point they were irritable and I had headaches and ended up sick.
I began to do some serious thinking about the fast pace I was keeping and determined I was staying busy as my way of coping with ‘life.’ Jesse and I were strained and tense and largely avoided one another as much as possible. If he was in the den then I stayed in the kitchen. If I went to the den he would go outside. He stayed busy working in the yard and planting flowers while I worked with the kids and kept house. We each had our therapy of sorts.
I remained sick for over 10 days and that gave me some time to think about things. I not only felt ill but I was in the depths of despair. Our 38th anniversary was approaching on April 26th and – except for the 10 years from 1984 to 1994 – our marriage continued to be one of survival.
In the middle of this string of sick days was one that seemed worse than the others. I woke up still sick and decided to get a cup of coffee and take it back to bed with me. First step I took, I stepped in a puddle of dog pee! Cleaned that up before stepping in a mound of cat vomit! Cleaned that up and made it to the kitchen where I emptied some leftover food into the disposal and turned it on. CLANK! I had inadvertently dropped a mettle spoon that I planned to use for my coffee creamer IN the disposal. Fished that out singeing my hair over the lit candle beside the sink. I finally took my coffee back to bed with me and as I sipped it thought I might as well tackle booking hotel rooms for the coaches in San Antonio for an upcoming meet – and we had no Internet or phone service! Jesse had decided to change from Verizon to Frontier and apparently there was a glitch. He was sleeping in the den now and not speaking to me if he didn’t have to. Some days you just have to get through as best you can and this was one of them.
The next week as I thought I was feeling better – I had a relapse and was back in bed. I rallied a bit and since it was cooler, the kids and I decided to have one last fire in the den using up the last of our firewood. Wouldn’t you know it? The chimney caught fire! I called 911 and Benjamin raced outside and climbed on the roof with a water hose and actually put the fire out by himself before the fire department arrived! The firemen came in and axed the ceiling anyway – instead of going up the inspection hole inside the closet to check for any burning embers. I called Summer and she came right over and we sat and watched all the commotion and had quite a nice visit. After the firetrucks left, she stayed for a glass of tea. It could have been so much worse; however, Jesse was furious. A bird’s nest in the chimney was what had caused the fire – but to him it was all my fault! My nerves were shot and this was just another extremely stressful day. They were becoming more and more often.
Jesse patched the ceiling up with plastic and we could use the attic fan now but who knows how long it will take to do the repairs. I felt so weary of life and problems. I decided to go for a walk and found myself sitting on a curb under the shade of a tree sobbing my heart out. I got myself together and walked home, fixed my make up and took Amber shopping.
I was felling better when I got home and made some fancy coffee and baked a batch of scones.
Jesse was up on the roof trimming some trees and cut into the power line! A few days before this, he had cut a phone line that knocked our phone service and Internet. In the space of a week, we had the phone company, fire department and now the electric company to our house! Only things left are water and gas!
Our 38th anniversary was on a Thursday and Jesse didn’t acknowledge it in any way other than when he went to lunch at The Olive Garden (presumably by himself) he brought back a salad for me. I had long given up my sentimental feelings being hurt so there was never a mention about it being a special day. He actually called an elderly couple at church and wished them a Happy Anniversary – which happened to be the same day as ours. Of course, I heard him talking to them on the phone, but I chose not to respond. Instead, I spent the entire evening up at the pool with Amber. Our coach had informed us that Amber’s solo qualified for National’s in College Station in the next week – so all of a sudden, we were super busy again!
Friday was a good day! I slept until I woke up and packed for my outing, dropped Amber off at the pool, left Jesse working in the yard and Benjamin finishing school, and drove to Fort Worth to spend the night with my mother. There was a family reunion of sorts in Roby, Texas the next day. Mother frosted my hair and Nita and Deanie came over for a good time of visiting. When they left, Mother and I started cooking squash casserole and other things to take to Roby. We got ready for bed and sat up visiting for an hour or two while I sewed sequins on Amber’s duet hairpiece.
After a long string of stressful days, it was wonderful to relax and be with people who loved me.
The next morning, we drove to Abilene and past Sweetwater before turning North for 22 miles and arriving in Roby. Good food, good people, good weather and a good day. We left around 3:00 and I drove the four hours back to Fort Worth stopping at Walmart and Hobby Lobby on our way and then another hour to home. It was 10:00 when I pulled into the driveway. The kids were in bed and Jesse was working on his Sunday School lesson in the den. I unloaded all my stuff from the car, brought it in and put things away, took a shower and went to bed without Jesse offering to help or even saying a single word to me.
The next morning, Sunday, I taught Sunday School and then went home to get Amber as she slept in – totally exhausted from all the extra synchro practice lately. We missed Jesse singing a solo before the service and he was not pleased. I had no idea that he was going to sing a solo and no idea he would even notice that I wasn’t there. He’s never even glanced my way any time he’s been on stage singing.
Jesse and I had been invited to lunch with a lovely couple from church. They said we had been on their minds and hearts lately and they were praying for us. That made me feel good to know someone was seeing past the façade and discern how troubled our life was. This couple seemed to be best friends as well as lovers and I admired them and their relationship. In all our 38 years together, I never felt like Jesse and I were best friends. Actually, I only felt bitterness from him towards me and I don’t think he even liked me.
I came home from our lunch and even though I was so sleepy, I made two loaves of bread – lemon poppyseed and cranberry orange for the church social that night. After church, instead of going to bed, I threw myself into cleaning the kitchen while making plans for the next day’s cleaning of the foyer and living room. I would get all depressed and disoriented when the house was out of sorts. I didn’t feel like a fanatic – but cleaning something gave me comfort and I would calm down and feel more in control.
As neurotic as I was – I began to think that life could not go as it has been indefinitely. Something needed to change and I felt a glimmer of its coming.
