Chapter 39
One Saturday evening in mid-January 2002 Jesse, Jr. called us and our long years of estrangement ended. I was so grateful to my son for reaching out to his dad and, even though he had done nothing wrong, he apologized in a manner that Jesse, Sr. was expecting and accepted. It didn’t matter that he was the one who decided to separate us from seeing Jesse or his bride. It started when they were engaged and Jesse felt he should have asked his permission to marry. Jesse firmly believed in the chain of command where the head of the household – the father – was to be consulted on every decision we made while no one was allowed to question him.
A couple of weeks later we were invited to our son’s home for dinner and Amber, Benjamin and I went while Jesse, Sr. was sick and stayed home. There was no way I was going to miss this opportunity and we all had a lovely time. We ate, talked, laughed and played the game Uno. I soaked up every minute of our time together.
As happy as I was that we were now reunited with both of our grown children, Jesse and I were still dealing with our relationship with each other. We found a counselor in Fort Worth and started seeing him in the early spring. Russ was his name and he was good. He likened himself to a General on a horse up on a hill surveying the battles down below. Jesse and I were not able to see the big picture by ourselves.
All of us went to counseling together a few times so that Russ could hear from Amber and Benjamin their take of our family life. The biggest conflict was church. Amber was willing to continue attending Crestview for Sunday services but she wanted to go to Fellowship Church on Saturday night as they offered services then as well as Sunday morning. Jesse was adamant about being the head of the house and was against her attending Fellowship at all.
Russ said, “Let me get this straight. Amber is sixteen years old and, instead of going to the mall or the movies on Saturday night, she wants to go with her friends to church?”
Amber had always had strong convictions about things and faced situations head on unlike me. I would sneak around or give in to keep peace but that was not working out for me anymore. Once I started seeing truth and reality, it was harder to wear blinders and ignore things. I realized there would be no easy fix to our situation and it would take time to figure it out. Life continued to be the roller coaster I was so long familiar with.
I hosted a large gathering of friends and family on Good Friday and it was, indeed, a good day. Mother and all my children plus many friends and neighbors came for the entire afternoon. We had lunch out on the patio and Jesse sat with us for the meal and then distanced himself the rest of the afternoon by working at the far end of the yard while we continued to visit and play card games.
The weather changed from warm and sunny on Friday to cold and rainy on Saturday.
I followed Amber’s lead and many of us attended the Saturday night Easter service at Fellowship Church. There were seven of us – Amber, Benjamin, Summer, Sabrina, LeeAnn and others joined us. It was a great service and we all went on to the Cheesecake Factory for a good time of food, laughter and fellowship!
The next day was Easter Sunday and I came home on Saturday night to a quiet house. I put the turkey in the oven, washed potatoes and did a few other preparations for Easter Sunday dinner. It was 1:00 in the morning when I went to bed. Jesse was in the den from the time I got home until I went to bed. He never said a word to me or even made a sound so I assumed he was sleeping or pretending to be.
It was just the four of us for Easter dinner and I felt so weary that I went to bed after lunch. Life was hard and I felt completely drained. I no longer had the energy to teach Sunday School and I used to love doing that.
There was only one lady at church that seemed concerned about me and I had reached out to her and asked her to pray for me without giving her any details. When I got up from my nap, I felt as if I had a heavy rock in my stomach and was wearing a heavy lead jacket around my shoulders. This lady called me on the phone and we talked for a little while. Again, I did not share details but it seemed she knew how hard things were for me. When we hung up, I sat and cried. I felt so alone and thought of the Bible verse, “Oh, to be a bird and fly away to the heavens.” Escape would be so inviting but it never works for long.
The Monday after Easter was our counseling session in Fort Worth with Russ. Summer invited Amber and Benjamin and a few of their friends to eat out and then go to her apartment for a movie. It was nice to know they were enjoying themselves. Mothers love it when their children spend time together.
Jesse and I had a serious session and I was honest with the counselor. No shielding and hiding but speaking the truth of our life without anger. This was a crucial time in our marriage and things would change one way or the other. They could not continue as in the past.
After our session, Jesse and I ate at IHOP and talked some more. We both had a lot to think about. I hoped good would come from all of this. I had a sick feeling in my stomach all day but when I crawled into bed that night, for the first time in a long time, I felt better. At least we were trying to get help.
The next morning, I was having a cup of coffee in bed when Jesse came in and said he was seeking additional counseling for his addiction in addition to our couple’s counseling.
Amber and I were leaving for California the next day for a Synchro meet and I was looking forward to getting away. Jesse and I were still living in the same house but we were emotionally separated and just realizing that made me feel better for some reason.
Jesse neither took us to the airport or picked us up on our return on April 9th and then we flew out again for yet another synchro meet on the 16th. And once again, a friend took us to the airport and picked us up instead of Jesse.
Monday was our counseling day and I drove over early to spend some time with Mother. Jesse and I had a huge fuss earlier that day and I just needed to get away. Mother and I shopped a thrift store and then ate an early supper at IHOP. We were looking out the window when we saw Jesse’s truck pass by on his way to the counselor’s office.
I met him there and it was a tough session. Russ was good and gave us new hope. Afterwards Jesse and I even went for a walk and talked and even stopped at a convenience store for cups of coffee and donuts. The plan was for Jesse to stay at Summer’s and he had packed a bag and left that night before I got home.
The next several days were peaceful and pleasant. No stress, drama or tension whatsoever. Amber and Benjamin both had friends over and everyone was relaxed and enjoyed being here. I had two lady friends from church call and that was encouraging. They seemed to be sincerely interested in my well-being without judging or giving me advice.
Benjamin tested for his black belt that weekend and Jesse took him and filmed the test. Benjamin didn’t want me to come so I didn’t push it. He passed easily and Jesse took him to Blockbuster where he rented three games and three movies.
We all watched one of the movies together in the den made cozy with a small fire in the fireplace. It had been a chilly day reaching only 50 degrees. Jesse left before midnight and it was a bit awkward but I was grateful he didn’t cause a fuss. Funny how he was acting nicer than when he lived here.
There was a comfort in being home…. a comfort in doing laundry, cleaning and fluffing up the house. I felt like I was organizing my spirit and mind as I organized my closet and drawers and cleaning up my life by vacuuming and mopping the floors. I wished it were really that easy.
Jesse and I were keeping up with our weekly counseling sessions on Mondays with Russ. I always wondered what in the world Russ would say each time and then he would put things in ways I’d not thought of.
The plan was for Jesse to stay at Summer’s apartment until Friday and I had misgivings about that. Not only was I disturbed about Jesse, but Amber and I were at odds with one another and that was probably to be expected and then Benjamin was stressed by all the drama and turmoil and he was caught in the middle of everything going on. There was no place for my heart to rest with any of my relationships. Not with Jesse or with my children.
I decided to cheer myself up by going to Fort Worth to the art museums and the Botanical Gardens with Amber and Benjamin and Amber’s boyfriend. I visited all my favorite paintings at Kimball’s art museum as well as the Amon Carter museum, got coffee at Starbucks and then we picked Mother up after she got off work and we all ate at Massey’s on Eighth Avenue for dinner. What should have been a peaceful time for me turned out to be extremely stressful with Amber and Benjamin complaining and whining the entire time.
The next day I had a good talk with Amber and Benjamin and we settled a few things. As teenagers they were dealing with their own growing up issues and the situations of their parents didn’t make it any easier for them.
I met Jesse at IHOP after he got out of church that night and I came home crying and in despair. It just never ended. Up and down. Thankfully, Amber and Benjamin rallied around me when I came in and cheered me up with funny songs on the Internet.
On Thursday I tried to prepare myself for Jesse coming back home the next day and I felt like I was riding an emotional roller coaster. He had sent me an email late that night and it wasn’t good.
Jesse did come home that weekend – Mother’s Day weekend – and nothing had changed.
On Saturday Summer picked Amber and me up to attend church with Mother for a Mother’s Day banquet in Fort Worth. Then we went to Summer’s apartment as neither Amber nor I wanted to go home. Poor Summer – first night her dad was gone and she got us. We did go home about 10:30 and I was hoping Jesse had already gone to bed, but he had not. At midnight we were at IHOP talking. Talking had always been a dangerous thing for me to do but I was trying to communicate and speak with my own voice.
Amber and Benjamin and I, along with some of their friends and Summer all attended Sunday services at Fellowship Church while Jesse went to Crestview.
After church we all went over to Summer’s for lunch and were surprised when Jesse arrived. He had planned on taking some people from church out to lunch but the plans fell through so he joined us after all which was obviously not his first choice.
Jesse left after lunch without even saying goodbye as I was in the bathroom. Summer and I took naps and then I went home where everything went downhill from there.
Jesse slept in the den and that was a good thing.
Monday was one of the toughest counseling sessions yet. That morning I woke up with a phrase from Rudyard Kipling’s poem IF.
“If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew to serve your turn long after they are gone. And so, hold on when there is nothing in you except the will that says to them, ‘Hold on!’”
It was a good thing we went in separate vehicles. Russ told us, “You have both worked hard but there is still a long way to go.” I went to Mother’s and spent the night as I was weary to the bone and sick at heart.
The next day I was so sick I couldn’t have gone home if I wanted to. I stayed with Mother for the next few days recovering. My stomach was so upset I couldn’t even keep saltines and 7-UP down. The reality of our situation hit me hard and I was reeling with all kinds of emotions and fear of Jesse was a big one. My heart was so frozen in fear that I felt paralyzed.
Jesse was still in the house but he avoided me as much as possible and was sleeping in Benjamin’s room. We were like strangers to one another and I no longer trusted Jesse or had any hope that our marriage would or even could survive.
How in the world did my life get like this? That’s when I thought about the frog in water that was being heated and, as the temperature rose, he could have jumped out. Instead, he grew more and more accustomed to it that by the time the water was boiling, it was too late.
Wednesday, May 22nd, was both a day of celebration and a day of confrontation. I drove over to Fort Worth to Mother’s house with Amber and Benjamin at 3:00 in the afternoon. I had a kitty litter box and kitty food hidden in the back of the van. They had no idea Mother was giving them two kitties!
We three sang all the way over to a CD Amber had made for me. It was such a fun afternoon and the kitties were a big surprise and instantly loved. Amber and Benjamin played with them while Mother and I set out the meal she had prepared for us…a huge pot of stew AND a meatloaf. She was famous for her meatloaf!
The kids stayed at Mother’s while I met Jesse at the 6:00 counseling appointment with Russ. This visit was different than the others. Without sharing too many details, Russ recommended a counselor for Jesse who specialized in sexual addictions. I would continue with Russ and he recommended I join a support group for ‘women involved with sex addicts.’ I cried and we were both in pain but I thought healing might still come. Sometimes sorrow can be a path to happiness but our hearts were still hurting.
I spent the night at Mother’s since I was in no shape to drive home. The next morning my brother advised to buy two new tires as Jesse had rotated the bad ones to the front and Lonnie said it wasn’t safe to drive on them. I had never bought tires or made decisions such as this so it was my first taste of independence. By the time I got home, Jesse had packed a suitcase and was gone. He called later in the day and said I had done the right thing.
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