Children in the Closet....Chapter 42

     

Chapter 42

        I made an appointment with my primary care doctor shortly after Amber and I returned from Hawaii. I did, indeed, have a STD and it was more serious than I had thought. I had chronic pelvic inflammatory disease and abnormal pap smears likely secondary to HPV which are all associated with sexually transmitted diseases. My doctor wrote a letter stating her findings and I gave a copy to Jesse who was still accusing me of infecting him! Since I had no insurance, she suggested I contact Planned Parenthood to have bloodwork done and take steps with Parkland Hospital to obtain public health care assistance. However, the idea of going to Parkland scared me. I talked to Mother and she suggested I contact John Peter Smith Hospital in Fort Worth. This seemed to be a better choice since Mother was able to go with me and I could stay with her while I received treatment. 

The first step was to get the results of my bloodwork. Mother had made an appointment for me but the morning I was to go I woke up so depressed. Jesse had called from Parkland Hospital to get information from me so he could sign up for health care there. I had nothing to say to him! Why must I go sit in a crowded room with people being tested for STDs when I had not done anything wrong? My neighbor, Stephanie, called as soon as I had hung up from Jesse, sized up the situation and told me to pack a picnic because we were going to spend the afternoon at the lake. So, we loaded up our vehicles and off we went taking Benjamin and Stephanie’s son with us! I was glad to get away from the sordid business of dealing with treatment for STDs and such. The boys grilled hot dogs and sausages before renting a paddle boat and enjoying themselves while Stephanie and I visited and rested.

Two days later, I drove over to Mother's and we went out to eat before going to the health department to get my results. Mother sat right next to me in the waiting room and said no one would know which one of us was there for results.

This turned out to be a good experience. I did not have a STD although I had one earlier that was cleared up with antibiotics. I felt clean again! No STD but I did have an extremely serious prolapsed uterus which would require a complete hysterectomy. The nurse heard my story and advised me to begin the classification process to get public health care at John Peter Smith Hospital. I could have my surgery there and recover at Mother's.

The next afternoon, Larry, the State Farm agent that Summer had worked for before getting a bigger, better job in the insurance industry, called and asked if I could come in and work as a front desk representative. I got ready in a hurry and was there within the next half hour. He would pay me $10 and hour and asked if I could work for the next three weeks. A true answer to prayer! Even better, Larry offered me a full-time job after I recovered from surgery. Only God could have made all this happen.

Summer helped me set up an eBay account where I could be a seller and make some extra money that way. Step by step. My life was changing so fast I could barely keep up with it. Every week at support group I had good news to report which was a blessing after the many meetings when I was in such pain that some of the other ladies said it was hard for them to listen to me.

I continued to see Russ and he assured me that, while transitions are painful, they are necessary to begin a new life. Before I decided to divorce, life was a series of roller coaster rides of trauma and drama and then hope - over and over again. This continued but only different. At times I was overwhelmed and at other times I felt such a freedom and joy. While I was living my life, Jesse had moved on with his, as well. He joined a Divorce Recovery group and went sky diving and sent me his profile pic for an online dating site. Why, I wondered?

Jesse sent me an email one night in the middle of July saying he wanted us to sell the house and divorce immediately. I felt like something like this would happen. It scared me to think of losing my home. I regretted not having him sign the deed over to me before I took him back last summer. He may not have done that but then I would not have had to go through all those additional months of more drama. Just because he wanted me to sell didn't mean I had to and so I didn't.

I called Jesse the next morning and addressed his statement from the other night. He countered it by saying, "This is what you want!" I should have said something as soon as I read his email. I told him, "We are divorcing because of your choices! Unfaithfulness, adultery, sexual addiction, betrayal." One day he would accept his actions and apologize, then the next day he would accuse me of many things, all untrue.

The way I coped during this time was to stay busy and not freak out thinking too much. I tackled wallpaper projects, deep cleaning, art, whatever I could do to keep my mind off of my problems. Still, I cried copious amounts of tears over my health, finances and future. I prayed the Prayer of Serenity over and over again.

"God, help me to change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I met with my attorney and filed for divorce. I felt a peace about it while feeling sad at the same time. After signing the papers, I drove over to Fort Worth to see baby Samuel and visit with Jesse, Jr. and his wife. I suppose I was looking for comfort and was grateful to have the support of my family. 

Mother and Lonnie came over on Sunday to visit. I knew they were concerned about me and wanted to cheer me up, which they did. Mother bought me a watch and said it represented a new time in my life and to be encouraged and look forward to happier days without Jesse. Now that the decision to divorce had been made, I truly was looking forward to a more peaceful life. I even dared to say to myself a more normal life which was something I had yearned for ever since I was a little girl.

Without Jesse there was no longer the stress and I had begun to actually enjoy life. One night I let Shadow out before bed and found four teen-age guys rolling the big pecan tree with toilet paper and even spraying shave cream around! I started laughing and asked them to pose for me as I took pictures! They weren't being mean or anything, just having fun and pulling a prank on Amber and Benjamin. I smiled every time I went out to water over the next few days as there were bits of tissue still hanging from branches.

It wasn't even a week after I filed for divorce that Jesse called and said he had hired an attorney to countersue me for divorce, but he needed to know my birthday. Good grief. Jesse and I had been married 40 years and he still did not know my birth date.

The next Monday morning I was up at 5:30 and by 6:35 I had already walked the 1.7 miles through our neighborhood. I enjoyed the work and was grateful for the job. I had no experience and no education and yet Larry had offered me a permanent position in his office and was even remodeling it in order to make a space for me in the front as a receptionist. Only God could orchestrate something like that.

The work week seemed to go by fast and then it was Friday. Benjamin had gone to Galveston with a friend and his family and Amber had plans to attend a Christian music recording studio where she was helping a friend make a video. I packed my bag as soon as I got home from work and drove over to Fort Worth to spend the evening at Nita's. All four of us siblings had gathered as well as Mother and Lanita and Lloydine's daughters for appetizers and homemade margaritas. We all talked and laughed and simply enjoyed being together.

I spent the night with Mother and shopped the thrift store near her house the next day. Now that I was working, I needed a wardrobe and I hit the jackpot with the added bonus of everything being 50% off. I was all set for another work week.

Once again, I drove over to Mother's the next Friday after work and spent Friday and Saturday night with her. She was such a comfort and encouragement to me. She and I went to a local Mexican restaurant for nachos and margaritas on Saturday night before going back to her house. We piled up on her king sized bad with a bunch of pillows and watched movies and talked. I was a nail biter from the time I was six-years-old so, now that I was working, I wore fake nails that I glued on and then painted.

Mother continued to highlight my hair and I believe this was an important time in our lives. She was there for me and I deeply appreciated her.

I sold my first painted sawblade on eBay.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered it was my son, Jesse, Jr. who bought it! My first sale! I would go through the house looking for things to sell and every little bit that sold helped me.

My three weeks of work was over and I now concentrated on figuring out how to get my surgery done and dealing with Jesse over the divorce.  I continued to visit baby Samuel and my son and daughter in law as well as attending my counseling sessions with Russ and my support group meetings on Thursday nights.

Fellowship church had services on Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings. Pastor Young was preaching a series called Just Lust and this addressed so much of what I had been dealing with and how it affected the entire family. I went to the Saturday service in early August and then decided to attend the Singles class for the first time. As I was signing in, a friend from the synchronized swimming club saw me and came over to tell me that Jesse had been attending the Singles class. I was shocked when I looked over saw him! I couldn't believe it. He had never wanted us to attend Fellowship and there he was.

I asked him, "What are you doing here?" He gave me his smug religious routine and I just wanted to slap him. I thought about leaving but decided to sit with two ladies I knew, one of which worked for the pastor and his wife. She knew my story and gave me the moral support I needed to get through the next hour. I was there to find other ladies who might be interested in doing some things together while Jesse was there looking for women. There was a fellowship afterwards at a local food court and I did not attend that. Instead, I sat in my van and cried and sobbed. I felt violated again! Church was my safe place and Jesse was the very last person I expected to see. I cried all the way home. I told all four of my children and Jesse, Jr especially helped me see that I could walk myself back to reality and not be a victim.

The next morning was our family reunion in Stephenville, Texas. I drove over to Mother's and she and Lonnie rode with me in my van. Lonnie drove and I sat in the back still in a stupor all the way there.

I refused to get out of the van once we arrived and my cousin, Cathy, came over and talked me into getting out and sit with her at the pool. We talked and shared and I felt better as the day went on. The food was good and the painting I had donated for the auction fetched sixty dollars. The auction helps pay for the cost of renting the community center plus the tea and supplies.

It was a relief to climb into bed late that night. I felt numb and fragile but I was not falling apart.