Children in the Closet.....Chapter 22

Chapter 22 

I had always taken motherhood seriously and believe it to be an honor and blessing of God. I was a broken and emotionally damaged person and yet motherhood saved my life. I wanted so badly for my children to have happy memories of their growing up years. Alas, they grew up every bit as broken and damaged as Jesse and I were.
When I looked around at the other parents and their children, my heart would condemn me that I wasn’t doing enough to be a good mother. I loved my children desperately and yet we were still a severely dysfunctional family. There was a Ladies Bible Conference in Chattanooga, Tennessee in the spring of 1979 and I was one of the first to sign up. Surely, I would gain wisdom and learn how to be a better mother at this Sword of the Lord conference – The Call to Motherhood.
  Two other ladies were going and, since I had a nearly brand new to me 1976 Cutlass Oldsmobile, I volunteered to use my car while a lady named Betty offered to drive. That suited me perfectly. I was up before dawn and drove over to pick up Betty, only realizing that I knew the name of her street but I forgot the address number! I had been there once before but I could not remember which house was hers. So, I drove slowly up and down the block honking my horn a few times. Now, mind you, this was about 6:00 in the morning. But, sure enough, out the front door came my friend! We picked up the other lady named Carolyn, and were on our way!
It was a good drive and we bonded more with every mile. We stayed in the home of our pastor’s wife’s parents and she treated us to delicious meals which she called ladies food. For three days we attended the conference together and talked about our lives and how to incorporate what we were learning into them. 
Betty was the lady who did all the driving and, as it turned out, she had actually met my stepfather, Clayton. Betty called her husband Cowboy and he had been a bit of a gambler in his younger days and had been a regular on the pool hall gambling circuit of which Clayton was also a part of at the time. Betty felt called to the nursery ministry at Crestview and was already involved there. However, the conference further inspired her to continue that commitment. 
Carolyn and Betty had been best friends for many years. Carolyn was recently widowed and had two wayward daughters, both in the Lester Roloff Home for Children in Corpus Christi, Texas. In time to come, I took her down to the home where we stayed a few days so she could visit her daughters.
I was deeply convicted of the need to be a better mother and felt a very real desire to have more children. I will go so far as to say I felt a calling from God. 
When I returned home, I told Jesse about my desire to have more children and he agreed. I had become pregnant the second or third time we had sex when I was 14 and then it took just a month or two to become pregnant when we decided to have another baby when I was 17.  So, it was a surprise and disappointment when I didn’t get pregnant right away. 
Brother John and his wife had one daughter when they came to Crestview to serve as youth pastor and they had another little girl not too long after. Jesse and I both loved that family and we often took care of the baby. When they had a third daughter and decided to go on a missionary tour, we volunteered to keep the very young infant while they traveled. It was odd how much Jesse seemed to love these little ones. He didn’t act anywhere nearly as sweet to his own children but he would do anything for those little girls.
We took the children into our hearts and our lives and our family. The family traveled during the summer doing missionary work and their older two daughters were old enough to go with them, but the baby was still a newborn so she stayed at our house for weeks at a time. Both Jesse and I wanted another child of our own, but we loved taking care of that precious baby.
At Easter and Christmas and holidays we would buy all three girls pretty dresses and toys and they were like family to us. One day, when the mother came to pick up her daughter, she clung to me and didn’t want to go. That one moment changed everything. I realized this was not a healthy situation and I could not continue taking care of them like I’d been doing. I talked things over with the parents and they decided to end their missionary tours and stay in town, picking up the reins of serving fulltime at Crestview. 
It was now 1983 and even though I had been trying for three years, I was unable to conceive.

July Weekend.....so Many Feelings and Emotions.....

Saturday was not without its drama and trauma!

LD put coffee grounds down his bathroom sink and that caused a big problem!

I took him to Home Depot and he went in all by himself.

I had NOT dressed for the public so I sat in the car and read a book.

He did good and bought exactly what he needed and then proceeded to do the repairs!

Win! WIN!!! 

The bathroom is still a mess but I'll deal with it on Monday!

Saturday was a cooler day for July and I rummaged through my storage building packing up all my Halloween decorations. I've decided to scale back on a few things. I no longer decorate for the patriotic holidays and I scaled way back on Easter. I decided to donate all my Halloween decorations this making my fall decorating easier. Amber and Harrison visited us late Saturday afternoon and they loaded it all up and will keep the nicer things and carry the rest to Goodwill. That's where most of it came from in the first place.

Harrison spied the whipped cream in the fridge and we had fun trying to pop it UP and IN our mouths!

I didn't do so well but Harrison nailed it!

It was so much fun, though!

This morning I watched Fellowship Church online while Harrison and Amber were there in person.

I made a Sunday brunch after church!

I put sausage patties in a muffin pan and squished them down with a small condiment dish.

Dropped an egg in each nest with some seasonings and then added frozen hash brown potatoes topped with shredded taco cheese.

Bake for 30 minutes at 350* and it was delicious and filling!

I took a nap this afternoon and when I woke up I went out to reorganize my storage building.

What a surprise!

I couldn't even get to the door!

It's amazing how fast Louis Dean can get an idea and start working on it!

I admit, I did not SEE an idea - only a big wet muddy mess!

Note to self - think twice before I take a nap!

Our cats are precious to us.

Tabitha got out this morning as Louis Dean was going in and out.

I was sleeping in and may need to start  getting up earlier instead of luxuriating in bed for an hour after I wake up.

She didn't stay out long this time and was on the front porch wanting in!

Samantha loves warm laundry!

She even sneaks into the dryer when I accidently leave it ajar!

We do love our kitties!

This is Benjamin's cat, Zuko. 

He is brother to Amber's cat, Ginger, and our cats, Samantha and Tabitha.

He is a very loved cat and seemed to be fine the other day.

On Saturday he had a hard time breathing and Benjamin rushed him to the vet.

They treated him for congested heart disease and kept him overnight in an oxygen box.

The diagnosis is heart failure but he's on two medications that he will take the rest of his life - and there's no idea how long that might be. Weeks, months or even years.

Zuko is happy to be home and Benjamin is even happier!!

It's amazing how we bond so closely with our pets.

This has been a sombering weekend with the flooding in the hill country of Texas.

I'm sure you have all seen videos and coverage of this tragic event and I'm also certain we are all praying.

We can all do something.

Praying, providing supplies....

Fellowship Church is involved with rescue efforts and my friend, Debbie, shared this opportunity to provide needed supplies.

I have no words.......just praying.....

Happy Fourth of July!

We enjoyed the extra day at the ranch.

 I picked bouquets of both roses and sunflowers and brought them home with me.

Since we aren't spending as much time at the ranch as we were, I decided to bring a few things that I really like home, aas well. See the cowboy boots with faux sunflowers? And the green glass vase from Magnolia? And the heavy glass chicken? They all live in the city now.

We arrived home before traffic on Tuesday and the cats were happy to see us!

I admit the trip was much easier driving the car instead of the truck but I promised Louis Dean the next time we would switch.

Life changes can be a challenge but I think we are navigating them pretty well.

I know what keeps him happy and doing projects is at the top of the list.

Shortly before we left for the country, Louis Dean had the brilliant idea of turning the old sandbox into a koi/gold fish pond! I'm just surprised we didn't think about it sooner!

We talked about it over the weekend at the ranch and no sooner than we got home, he was out there making it happen!

I've learned it's best to let him do what he wants to do as long as it doesn't cause harm.

I suggested we get a preformed pond liner similar to the kitchen and gazeno ponds but he was adamant about using his black plastic.

That kept him busy for a couple of days!

He's so cute!

Last night he was filling it up with water!

Alas, the plastic had a home in it so when I suggested we get a preformed liner - again - he thought it was a great idea!

Off we went to Home Depot where I discovered we need to order one and have it shipped to the store.

We went ahead and got the pump and several bags of much and topsoil for other projects while we were there.

Then we stopped at Whataburger for lunch.

I don't know who to thank for the gift card and I'm sorry if I knew it and have forgotten, but thank you!

My memory is not what it used to be and it's concerned me enought to have some teasting done to see if I may have early onset dementia or Alzheimers. My doctor thinks not but we just want to make sure.

IF I do, my reasoning is that I can take the medication to slow it down.

We came home and Louis Dean went outside to work on another fountain....

this one is from Amber and Mike's home when they first bought it.

They were going to take it to the curb but LD wanted to bring it home and so he did.

We have used it ever since but lately he forgot about it and decided to get it back up and running.

In keeping with my tradion, we are about to pop some popcorn and watch the movie.

All my children are probably doing the same thing!

And before I close tonight's journal entry, I would like to let you know prayers have been answered concering a request and, because of legal reasons, I won't say anything wlse except thank you!

Wishing you all a happy fourth of July!

We will watch fireworks on TV later tonight.

Children in the Closet...Chapter 21

 Chapter 21

 

In the fall of 1972, Jesse became concerned about me. Before this, he seemed not even to notice my depression. He took me to our family doctor, the one who had delivered both of our children. Dr. McIver was an OB/GYN but he also took care of the family. While not a therapist, he did his best to help me. He prescribed some powerful tranquilizers – Milltown 100. I became addicted to them and abused them by trying to overdose. I was now extremely self-destructive.

Christmas 1973 was a dark one. To handle the energy crisis, President Richard Nixon banned using Christmas lights. We put up a tree but I was so lethargic and depressed, I did little to decorate and make it special. It was as if I were almost an invalid.

On Christmas Eve morning, I was standing at the kitchen sink prepping food for Christmas Day when I fainted. Every time I stood back up, I had just a couple of minutes before I would faint again. I had to go back to bed and stayed there throughout the next week.

Now Jesse was alarmed and, once again, I went back to see Dr. McIver. He realized then that he could not help me. I was deeply depressed, anorexic, addicted to tranquillizers and suicidal.  He sent me to a psychiatrist. 

I had so many unresolved issues to deal with and I had no idea how to go about getting healthy in my mind. In truth, I had not been mentally and emotionally healthy since I was 8 years old.

I went to see him on a regular basis for about 6 months. I remember he said I was a big bundle of feelings that had twisted myself up so badly I was no longer thinking or living – only feeling. In the end, the doctor recommended shock therapy. 

This scared me because of the possible side effects of memory loss and the very thought of messing with my brain seemed extreme. I realized I was mentally ill and I also realized something needed to be done and that it was up to me to do it.

This was the beginning of me getting better. It would be another 30 years before I would be able to claim good mental health – but it was a start.

I would make a little progress and then slide back down in the familiar dark hole, feeling like I was hanging by a thread over a deep black abyss. The knowledge that God was holding that thin thread gave me hope. I was not alone.  Still, one black day I was so overcome with such extreme sadness that I swallowed a handful of pills and curled up on the couch. I was surprised when I woke up; I had not expected to. When I stood up, I knew in my heart this was the last time God would spare my life and if I tried to commit suicide again, I would succeed.

Over the next year, I slowly pulled out of the deep depression I had been in for so long. I threw myself into church service by teaching Sunday School, working in the nursery and going on church visitation. We had learned how important it was to be a witness and tell others about the plan of salvation. When the church started a bus ministry, Jesse quickly volunteered to be a bus captain.

On Saturdays, we would visit large apartment complexes – mostly in the lower income area of the city. We looked for places where there were a lot of children and invited them to ride the bus with us to church on Sunday mornings. 

This was a ministry I could identify with and wished this had been available when I was a little girl. I taught the kids Bible songs and activities on the bus route every Sunday morning using flashcards and playing games as we drove.

Jesse seemed to have a bigger heart for the bus kids than he did for his own flesh and blood. There would be contests as to who could bring the most visitors and they would win a prize. He went down to the animal shelter and brought home a red beagle to use as the grand prize. Summer and Jesse, Jr. had long wanted a dog but Jesse kept telling them no.

They worked together to get more visitors to ride the bus to church during that contest and won it fair and square. That’s how we came to have our first dog and they named him Brownie.

He was a good dog but he kept escaping. That’s what beagles do. And he could jump! He would jump the fence in our back yard. We would go out looking for him and he would jump up where we could see him like he was on a pogo stick.

Once he got out and I roamed the neighborhood with a box of dog biscuits calling for him and asking if anyone had seen him. By this time even I was in love with that little dog.

Jesse Jr. had a skateboard and he would put the leash on Brownie, hop on his skateboard and off they would go up what Jr. called ‘Big Brenton.’ The street was slightly uphill from our house and Brownie was so strong he could pull Jr. all the way to the top.

It was bound to happen sooner or later. Brownie escaped and was hit by a car. We were all devastated – even Jesse.

In the summer of 1974, Jesse and I went to San Francisco on our very first vacation with just the two of us. We made arrangements with Jesse’s sister to keep Summer and Jesse, Jr. for us and we drove them over to East Texas where she and her husband and their two sons lived. We drove back home and packed our bags and caught the ‘red eye’ flight out of Dallas. It was our first plane trip and I got so excited on take off that Jesse had to pull me away from the window and tell me to breathe!

We were gone nearly a week and, with just the two of us, it was a good experience. There was not the usual tension normally present as I tried to run interference between my children and their father. We did all the tourist things from crossing the Golden Gate to touring Muir Woods to China Town and riding the cable cars. We ate a fancy farewell dinner in one of the famous restaurants on Fisherman’s Wharf and bought souvenirs for the kids and family. Jesse and I even had a couple of good conversations while we were there. He was never one to compliment me or say positive things, but, on this trip, I remember him telling me he was glad I didn’t dress in a provocative manner. I seldom wore pants and when I did, they were never tight. I never wore see through clothing and next to no white garments since you could possibly ‘see through them.’ I thought it strange that this would be the one thing that pleased him.

As soon as we arrived home, we went off to pick up the kids and thanked his sister and husband for taking such good care of them. I thought I had made an excellent choice that summer in leaving them in East Texas where they had gardens and fields and lots of outdoor activities plus, they could play with their younger cousins. Back when his sister and brother-in-law were having marital problems, she and the boys had come to stay with us for weeks at a time.

Summer was a grown woman before I learned what else happened that week in East Texas. Summer’s uncle had sexually abused her and, once again, she kept the ‘secret’ for fear of what would happen if she told. She thought her dad would think it was her fault, and when, as an adult she finally told me of these abuses, her dad, indeed, became violently angry and accused her of causing the ‘trouble.’

We continued to go to church and I tried my best to live a normal life while continuing to battle depression. Jesse wanted me to go to counseling but our pastor at Northgate Baptist Church didn’t do counseling. I was still taking tranquillizers.  I was still an emotional and mental mess. And I was still extremely thin as I continued my struggle alone. While I no longer thought of suicide, I was still a long way from being healthy.

I had trusted Christ as my Savior when I was very young and felt the Lord’s presence in my heart and life through all the dark valleys and scary times. It was a natural thing for me to want to share Christ with others and I have never regretted one moment of sharing the plan of salvation. It is so simple. We, each and every one of us, is born a sinner. God sent his only son into the world. He lived a perfect life, died on the cross as atonement for our sins, was buried and rose again in three days. All who confess that they are sinners, and put their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, believing that he is the living eternal Son of God, shall be saved.

However, in my current emotional situation, I became somewhat of a zealot. Jesse had totally embraced all of the teachings of fundamentalists leaders such as Jack Hyles and others who taught that wives and children were under total authority of the husband and father, which pretty much left a wife subject to her husband and without a will of her own. In 1975, we attended the first of many seminars conducted by Bill Gothard who founded the organization Institute in Basic Life Principles. I began to see a glimmer of connection in my childhood experiences to the way I was handling life as an adult.

I so wanted my children to have ‘normal’ lives and we took them with us to the children’s seminars and later they attended the regular ones with us. Everything hinged on the head of the family.

We learned a great many truths about life and our response to difficulties and how our thinking affects our behavior. However, the teachings we were to follow gave Jesse even more power and authority over us and made our lives even more miserable. We were far from ‘normal.’

In 1976, we decided to leave our small fundamental Missionary Baptist church and joined an Independent Baptist Church. Summer was now 13 and Jesse, Jr. 10 and they wanted, and we felt they needed, a youth group. Crestview Baptist Church had one of the largest bus ministries in the city as well as an active thriving youth group with a dynamic youth minister and a gifted senior pastor so this was just what we had been looking for. While still being very fundamental and Bible based, this was a church I could invite people I had led to the Lord to come and worship with us.

At Northgate, people were very narrow in their views on many things. Ladies were not to wear slacks or ‘pants’ to church. Only men wore the pants in this church congregation. Once a black lady and her two sons visited. She had on a pair of slacks and I watched a deacon go down to where she sat in a pew and start to whisper something to her. I followed him down the isle and slipped around him and slid in beside the lady and said, “I would like to sit with you today.” She was a gracious lady named Grace and she had a beautiful spirit. The deacon was miffed at me but he didn’t make a scene.

On another occasion I had led a dear friend to the Lord by explaining the plan of salvation as given in the book of Romans. She joyfully accepted Christ as her savior. However, I advised her to join a large Southern Baptist church in town instead of ours. I knew it would be a better fit and it was. She loved that church and continued to grown in the grace of God there.

Jesse took on a bus route and I continued to help him plus I worked in the church nursery. We were faithful as a family to Sunday morning Sunday School and worship services, Sunday night service, Tuesday night visitation, Wednesday night prayer meetings and Saturday morning bus visitation.

The church was growing by leaps and bounds and was now ready for a full-time youth pastor. They had interviewed several men for the position, but one stood out from all the others.  Everyone loved Brother John. Kids loved him. Parents loved him. Everyone did. And everyone caled everyone ‘Brother’ there. Sometimes the ladies are called Sister so-and-so but the men are nearly always called Brother this or Brother that.

I remember the Sunday morning Brother John preached and accepted the position as full time Youth Pastor. He said he had never seen such a supporting group of parents for their young teenagers and he singled out the Davis family, in particular. Summer had a great sense of humor and she had strung Brother John on about a number of things. We lived in a neighborhood where the streets are laid out in a serpentine pattern. You can drive in a series of figure S’s all the way to the end of the neighborhood – or simply drive straight up the center street. So, whenever Brother John had brought Summer and Jesse home, it was along the long curving S route. 

Another tale she told him and his wife was about how self-sacrificing her family was to her. She had been treated for cancer and her family had seen that she got a complete scalp and hair replacement. She said that explains why she could raise her eyebrows and move her scalp around!!

The entire congregation started to laugh and most everyone turned around to look at us. Brother John got a big kick of being hoodwinked like that but her dad was not the least bit happy about it. John went on to be the youth pastor all through my children’s teenage years and was loved by everyone. The church had its secrets and scandals over the time we were there – sadly our family was involved in some of them - but Brother John was never anything but good and decent to me and my children. 

Ending June in the Country!

 Friday was cooler and Louis Dean built a campfire for us to enjoy.

He's no Boy Scout but he does love burning things!

We sat out there sipping our wine and watching the flames.

He prefers box wine but I like wine in bottles!

Jesse and Rachele gifted this bottle from the Hill country for Mother's Day and it was a smooth delicious wine.

We went to bed on the early side since we were leaving for the country the following morning.

It was early afternoon by the time we were on our way.

Leaving takes longer than it used to.

We were further delayed when we got on the highway and the car started making whooping sounds!

I took the very next exit and finally found a safe spot to get out and look at the car.

We looked underneath it, checked the tires and even opened the hood!

I decided we better go home when, as we were getting back in the car, Louis Dean said, "Linda, the back seat windows are down!"

THAT'S what the noise was!

So we hopped back on the highway and headed out again.

We stopped on the far side of Dallas and ate lunch at Spring Creek BBQ and it was delicious.

We hadn't been there in a long time so we each ordered a full plate meal, knowing we would be taking to-go boxes with us when we left!

I think we enjoyed this meal even more than the one at Saltgrass for our anniversary!

I love pulling in through the gate!

Louis Dean resisted coming in the first place claiming he wanted to stay home.

He doesn't remember that it's not unusual for him to not leave the house for six days at a time.

I make sure we go somewhere at least for a few hours.

As soon as we got here he was as happy as he could be!

He started mowing and watering and making plans as to what he wanted to do.

We came in the car and that also made the trip easier for me.

Everything is blooming and looking so pretty.

Today was our first full day here and we still haven't finished all the leftovers from Spring Creek.

I've been working on my book and finished chapter 42 and have started chapter 43 - which I hope to finish by the time we leave on Tuesday.

I had promised Louis Dean we would go home Monday but he wants to stay until Tuesday.

I knew he would and I was actually counting on that!

This afternoon we walked down to see the critters and feed the catfish.

They had disappeared for a few months and then all of a sudden they are back.

They bury themselves in the mud during times of drought or low water to survive.

We are so glad to see them back!

Dean and Sherry stocked two tanks with catfish last year and now they figure they have over three dozen in this one and a dozen in the duck tank.

The fish are now one year old and by the time they are three years old, we should be having a catfish fry!

This is the front deck where we have our morning coffee and evening wine.

See all the sunflowers??

For the last several years Louis Dean has fretted about them blocking his view and was constantly trying to cut them down and sometimes when I wasn't looking - he did!

Then this year he is watering them and bragging about how pretty they are and that he's being careful to mow around them! I'm happy he now loves them as much as I do!

I close tonight's journal entry with a prayer request.

Amber wrote this on her Facebook page and said I could share it here......

***Source***

Our local Channel 5 news station covered the huge group of those praying for Jackson.

Harrison and Mike attended.

Amber and the girls were away at a hockey camp but they were praying.

Everyone loves Jackson and his family.

Jackson is a goalie and his dad stands behind him outside the rink during every game he plays. After the 20 minute period, the teams switch ends of the rink and his dad walks around to stand behind his son.

Every game.

Thank you in advance for your prayers.

June Treasures.....

 The last few days have been overcast and in the low 90's but Texas summer heat is on its way.

I'm just glad we've only have one 100 degree day so far!

I never know when I am going to see a cat in an unexpected place!

I looked up as I was loading laundry into the dryer and there was Samantha curled up in a big salad bowl!

I've been serving easy meals on these June days....

Neither Louis Dean nor I am big on eating an early breakfast so it's usually closer to noon when I fix something for us.

Late afternoon or early evening we eat another light meal.

Other nights I do cook!

Last night we had hamburgers and veggies!

Monday afternoon Louis Dean had an appointment with his retina specialist and received a good report!

When we came home I noticed how lush the St. Augustine grass looked so I changed clothers and took a blanket out and enjoyed gazing up at the pecan trees.

The two giant pecan trees were just seedlings when I first bought this house!

Now they are holding hands with one another!

Tuesday was really great treasure hunt for both Brenda and me!

That beautiful rug in now in the den.So cushy!

Lots of goodies!!!

Just so you know - I unload at least one bag each week to the Goodwill donation doors!

Brenda scored big on this huge canvas painting with a gorgeous frame!

Original price tag was $250 but with her discount it was more like $35!

Love thrifting!!!

Today marks our 20th wedding anniversary.

I decided to wear my wedding outfit and he wore his Sunday overalls to Saltgrass Steakhouse for our anniversary dinner. That's where we went 20 years ago. We arrived at 4:30 this afternoon because that was shortly after we married.

He gifted me with perfume...

while I gave him a pocketwatch.

And Linda and Louis Dean lived happily ever after!!