Chapter 29
Subconsciously I realized I had been waiting for the ‘other shoe to fall’ and it was with a heavy heart I went out to the den and sat down. I knew this was not going to be good and I was right.
Jesse was grim and said he had to tell me what was happening. The reason the police came that afternoon in February was because he had exposed himself as he was in his truck. He had stopped next to a bus at a traffic light when several people looked down and saw him. The police charged him with exhibitionism and he was required to join a recovery program for sexual addiction as well as secure an attorney in order to avoid a police record and be put on a sexual predator list as there were some children on the bus that day.
I think he would have kept this information from me except for the fact that the attorney was charging $2,500 and he knew he couldn’t hide that.
I listened to him talk and felt numb, overwhelmed, shocked, and scared. I didn’t know what to do…. what to say…how to respond, so I simply sat there. I didn’t ask any questions and he offered no explanations other than what he needed to do to keep his record clean.
By this time the kids were finished with their school assignments and I went in and set up the art table since this was Tuesday and art class for them in the afternoon and for the ladies I was teaching later that night. I was amazed that I could make lunch, teach art and continue to do the things I normally do while my mind was in a complete state of shock.
Art class was from 7:00-9:00 and all went perfectly normal. I made a pitcher of fancy tea, lit candles, prepared some light refreshments and laid out all the paints, turpentine and instructions for that night’s project. No one knew or even suspected what was going on in my mind. Actually, having art class just hours of hearing Jesse’s ‘news’ was about the best thing that could have happened. Art has a way of clearing my mind and focusing on something to the exclusion of all else and I was profoundly grateful for that.
After class was over and everyone had left and Amber and Benjamin had gone to bed, Jesse and I once again went out to the den to talk for another hour or two. I was supportive of his recovery but, to be honest, I had no real idea of how serious an addiction this was. I felt compassion as well as disgust and anger all at the same time.
Really, I felt as if I had no choice. I couldn’t leave him or divorce him. I had no education, no family support system that I could turn to and no job experience and two young children in school. What could I do?? Again, my cope and survival skills kept me going as did my faith in God that HE would see me through. I knew it would not be easy but when I don’t know WHAT to do, I stay still, knowing God will prepare me for what comes next.
So – I did the next right thing. I made meals, did home school, read my Bible, prayed, attended church, taught Sunday School, and related to Jesse as normally as I could. But I was badly shaken in my heart and soul and stressed and depressed in mind and body.
Mainly I cleaned. That’s my go-to therapy. If I can get something CLEAN it will be okay. While I did housework, Jesse worked in the yard designing new flower beds and landscaping.
Whenever we were together it felt strained and tense. I still had mixed and jumbled up feelings and struggled to act normal so the kids would not know something was going on. However, I realized I was so disciplined with myself and the kids that I had lost my joy. I was afraid to show how sad and depressed I was that I had gone the other direction in not showing my emotions. It didn’t help that I had not one single person I could talk to. Not one. I desperately wanted somebody to confide in but who? I had lots of ‘friends’ but they were not close friends. I had never had a best friend in my entire life and who could I talk to at church? Jesse was a deacon and head of the bus ministry and clearly did not want everyone to know about his addiction.
So, I walked the neighborhood and prayed. I stayed busy getting ready for a swim meet and I took Amber and Benjamin to the library. I read books and tried to keep my mind busy. And I thought a lot about what had happened and what I could and could not do.
We had been estranged from Summer for a couple of years and I was rethinking that whole thing too. Since it was Jesse’s decision to withdraw from Summer due to what he considered ‘moral choices’ and since he was, himself, guilty of what I considered far worse – I reached out and asked Summer to come to Amber’s swim meet. I could not see how I could continue to live with Jesse and not have my daughter in my life.
As always, Summer was gracious and we had a good time at the swim meet watching Amber and her team compete. For the first time in a long time, I felt relaxed. So much so that I went out to my van and took a nap during the afternoon. Summer joined us at the banquet as well and we had fun. Life actually felt a little bit ‘normal.’
As the days went by, I would be fairly cheerful one day and deeply sad the next. I was on an emotional roller coaster and if I made it through the day pretty well, the nights were hard when Jesse wanted to talk. I didn’t want to hear what he was saying and I didn’t want to challenge him, but I wondered if he was doing the work he was supposed to be doing in his recovery program. He did tell me he had talked to the pastor and asked him to be his ‘One on One Friend’ which he agreed to and he suggested I see a counselor. When Jesse told me this, I balked and told him this was not my problem but his and now I was more upset than ever.
He didn’t say anymore about it so life pushed on and we ‘celebrated’ our 31st wedding anniversary with another couple from church. I felt like a fraud. They had a real marriage and I was coming to grips with just how dysfunctional mine was.
Jesse was home a lot and on the days he worked, he was in and out several times getting equipment and supplies. I just wanted him to leave and stay gone for awhile so I could think. I desperately needed some alone time but I couldn’t find any unless I stayed up in the middle of the night and sat quietly out in the den which is what I did.
My headaches were back almost on a daily basis and I became focused on my weight again. At 113 pounds, I felt fat. Controlling what I ate gave me some semblance of power – at least in my own mind. I worked hard every day and was able to sleep pretty well at night.
We continued to school throughout the summer but not as much as we had been so the kids could play with the neighborhood children.
For the second summer in a row, we bought season tickets to Wet ‘N Wild waterpark and we spent 2-3 days a week there from opening to closing. Jesse would join us around 5:00 bringing supper with him – usually Arby’s or KFC. Both Amber and Benjamin loved the water and I had some time to myself to read, pray, nap and think. I decided to concentrate on the things that brought me joy – my children, home, travel, art and music. We took field trips to Oklahoma, East Texas to pick blueberries and peaches, Cedar Hill State Park for tent camping and trips to museums and concerts.
In July, just before we were getting ready to leave for a swim meet in Houma, Louisiana, Jesse had a wreck in my van. It was still drivable but we couldn’t open the back doors – which made it a challenge to get to all of our luggage we had already loaded. Summer joined Amber and me on this trip and she made all the difference. Having her back in my life was such a blessing. She knew a little of what I was dealing with concerning her dad but I did not share much. No need to burden her.
Jesse had another wreck in August – this time in his truck. He was an angry man and drove like one. Both wrecks were his fault and then he was mad that our vehicle insurance went up. On the days he wasn’t angry, he was depressed. He changed counselors twice and continued to pressure me to go to counseling and acted like it was my fault he was not recovering as he should be.
We all attended the Institute in Basic Life Principles by Bill Gothard in August and what should have helped and encouraged us only made things worse. I think Jesse’s guilty conscience would not give him peace and for the first time I realized how bitter he was against me, and not just me, but Summer and Jesse, Jr, too. No matter what we did, he seemed to resent us.
Life keeps going day after day no matter what and pretty soon it was Thanksgiving. I was so blessed to have all four of my children around the table that Thanksgiving Day. Jesse, Jr had spent the night as his birthday was on Thanksgiving that year. He was born on Thanksgiving and now we were celebrating it together again. I loved waking him up to sing Happy Birthday to him.
It was a good day full of good food and lots of fun. We watched the parades on TV and played Nuts after lunch and took naps and walks and decorated the outside of the house for Christmas! Summer set up the ironing board on the front porch and ironed all the red ribbons to make bows while Jesse, Jr, strung the Christmas lights around all the den windows. It felt good to be ‘Family’ again, although Jesse didn’t join in with all we did. He seemed to be a bit aloof and wouldn’t stay in the same room with all of us. Even that could not steal our joy of the day.
Christmas was every bit as wonderful that year as Thanksgiving. I served a candlelit Christmas Eve dinner of oyster stew with crackers, fresh fruit, muffins, cookies and spiced cider with all my children. Summer and Jesse, Jr. spent the night and what gift could they possibly have given me that meant than that? Going to bed at night and waking up with the knowledge that all my children were under my roof.
I was the first one awake on Christmas morning and got right up and dressed, put on my makeup, did my hair and made my way to the kitchen where I started cooking breakfast. I wanted the house to smell good when everyone started waking up!
Mother joined us later for Christmas dinner and it was such a lovely day.
As dark as the year was in places, and as sad as my heart had been at times, and as confused and overwhelmed as I continued to be – Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were beautiful gifts from God and I loved every minute.
